


Won't Stop 'till We Surrender

by BDJ



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Asthma, Break Up, Eating Disorder, Insomnia, M/M, Modest!, WWA Tour, WWAT, panic disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-01-17 19:58:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 30,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1400575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BDJ/pseuds/BDJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry hadn't really thought about what being 'famous' meant.  Even though he hated the word, it was still the reality of his life.  As the band grows and changes, he realizes more and more how much he'll have to handle alone.</p>
<p>That's the problem.</p>
<p>He isn't sure he can handle it - not without the people who started the journey with him.  </p>
<p>As the WWAT kicks into high gear and the guys start preparing for another year on the road, they realize that they don't really know each other as well as they thought.</p>
<p>How many secrets is Harry hiding?  How long until the band realizes that the pressure is getting to their youngest bandmate more than they realized?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

When your life is suddenly thrust into the limelight, there’s no chance to get used to it.  

You just have to adapt.  Figure it out.  Pretend like you’re still normal even if you’re getting chased by screaming fans every time you leave the house.   

There aren't books on how to handle fame out there ( _probably should be_ ); it’s just something you deal with.  It’s what Harry had always wanted after all, right?  He supposed being famous had never been his actual goal; he just wanted to perform and to make music.  The pop star part was just a symptom of doing that.  He liked the fans, honestly, he’d rather sign 100 autographs for them than to deal with paparazzi attacking him and asking him questions about whatever girl they thought he was dating.  And after three years of just dealing, when the boys finally got a break, Harry thought it would all just magically disappear.

He’d been wrong.  

Even getting to and from the US in secret hadn’t given him a enough of a head start to dodge the fans or the paparazzi and if he was honest, he missed his band mates.  Dealing with this stuff alone was hard and he’d been doing it even before the break; the fans and media seemed to have honed in on him and everywhere he went he was followed.  Chased.  And he didn’t want to complain, it was a part of the job and complaining wouldn’t get him anywhere.  He loved the fans, but when eating lunch suddenly turns into a 5 hour ordeal due to signing autographs and taking pictures, it was exhausting.  He’d become, unwillingly, the face of the band and the more that became obvious, the more his own band let him handle this stuff alone.  He couldn’t not sign autographs; he couldn’t not take the pictures.  If he did that, suddenly he was an asshole and the band would then be labeled as assholes - he couldn’t have that.  

Sometimes he just wanted to scream.  To remind people that he was 20 years old.  To call his friends and tell them he needed a break from his break.  Handling pressure had never been his strongest asset.  He’d never had to figured out how to deal with this, the anxiety the panic attacks, before One Direction and the worse the pressure got, the less people were around to help block and tackle.  

Harry groaned as his alarm went off (whoever said alarms didn’t exist on vacations were full of shit - granted, if he slept more at night, he wouldn’t need naps so often…) and he turned over preparing himself to get out of bed.  He could just stay in bed.  Dinner with his family was just another opportunity for some tabloid to write some story about some girl that Harry wasn’t seeing to go out to dinner with his family.  

“Get it together Styles.”  He mumbled to himself.  

Being back in the UK was hard because not only was he putting up a front to the world but also his own family.  He didn’t want them to worry - this was his dream and he could handle it. He’d promised his mom that he could handle this and he wasn’t one to break promises.  They’d spent their entire lives worrying about him - he didn’t want to do that to them again.  

He tried to loosen the constant pressure he had on his chest by taking a deep breath, but it didn’t help.  This hadn’t been a good day and it probably wasn’t going to be a good night.  He just wanted to sleep without having nightmares.  He just needed a break.  He knew he was playing with fire; not sleeping, hardly eating and constantly being on edge was not a way to handle his anxiety.  He knew that.  It was the lecture he got constantly from his therapists before 1D and until recently he’d had it under control, but everything was spirling and he _couldn’t_ , there wasn’t a way for him to stop it.  

He slowly got up from bed and headed to the en suite to get ready for dinner.  The weeks in LA had, without a doubt, helped mask how bad he felt.  He was tanned and toned which helped hide the circles and the gave him an excuse for the weight loss.  When you had the sun and the beach, who wouldn’t work out everyday.  It worked.  People believed it.  He palmed his bottle of Zoloft and debated on if he wanted to risk his family knowing.  He’d become good at hiding when he was on it, the guys didn’t even know he had a prescription and just chalked his bad days up to being tired or grumpy.  Those interviews where he was quiet and out of it didn’t happen everyday so it became easy for him to go along with it.  Never telling them the truth.  Even Louis didn’t know - not that he would care right now.  

Harry stopped himself there before he could think too much about Louis.  Today was not the day to think about him.

“Harry!”  Gemma yelled from downstairs.  “Let’s go!  We’re starving.”

Harry sighed and put on the mask that fooled everyone around him and put the bottle back.  He’d be okay for a few hours.  He could handle it for a few more hours today.

This was his dream.  He could handle it. 


	2. Chapter 2

“...Harry, Harry, H?!”

“Wha...sorry, what did you say?”  Harry said looking at Gemma who was looking at him questioningly.

“You okay?”  Anne asked softly.

“Fine.”  Harry said putting on his smile that usually fooled everyone.  

“You’ve barely touched your dinner.”  Gemma said raising an eyebrow.

“Hm, oh, yea.  Not very hungry.  Hey, are you guys joining for any legs of the tour?  Think I’m supposed to tell...someone?  Plane tickets and stuff…” Harry said trying to change the subject and divert his ever observant sister’s attention away from the fact that eating his dinner was the last thing he wanted nor felt like doing.  

“Of course, we’ll email your assistant the dates, no worry love.”

“Hm, yea, that’s probably best.”  Harry said halfway listening.

“So, how are the boys?  You guys are back at it tomorrow right?”  Robin asked causally sensing that Harry wasn’t really paying attention and seemed more distracted than usual.

“Yea.”  Harry said quietly not looking up from his hardly eaten food.  Why did he order this in the first place?

He missed the glance between his family; the confirmed look of “ _something is going on_ ” that sent them all into overprotective red alert mode.

“Harry.  What’s…” His mom started as she put her hand on his shoulder.  

“I, um, I’m going to the bathroom.  Then can we go?  I have to be up early tomorrow.”  Harry said jumping up quicker than necessary realizing that this conversation was heading down a path he wasn’t prepared and couldn’t deal with.  As he locked himself in the, thankfully, single stall he let the panic that he’d been pushing down since he woke up out as his breathing hitched and his hands started shaking.  He couldn’t even explain it, there was no warning, just his family talking about the new tour sent him into a panic.  

“H?”  Robin asked through the door.  “You okay in there?  Just wanted to check...its been awhile.”

What the, _**fuck**_.  It’d been over 10 min.  Of course they’d sent Robin to check on him.  ‘Get it together Styles’.  Harry mumbled as he realized he’d been digging his fingernails in palms.

_*In 1, 2, 3.  Out 1, 2, 3.*_  

“Harry, do I need to get your mom?”  Robin asked lowly, not wanting to cause a scene because the last thing Harry needed as a tabloid saying he had a breakdown in the bathroom. Management would just _love_ that.

“No, I’m good, sorry.  I’ll be out in a sec.”

“Harry.  If there’s something going on…”

“I’m fine dad, I swear.  Just had some emails and got distracted.  Give me 2 min.”  Harry said as convincingly as one could at the tailend of a panic attack.    His dad didn’t respond, just sighed as he heard him walk away.  Harry splashed some water on his face and tried to get his shit together.  He just had to get home.  Then he could handle this shit his own way.  The way that made sense.  Right now, he just had to pretend to be Harry Styles, international pop star.

Just as he was leaving the bathroom his phone vibrated.  He pulled it out noting he’d only brought his work phone with him, hardly concerned with his friends wanting to go out tonight.  He had a What’s App notification from his assistant and tons more from the group message he shared with the guys.   Shit.  He thought racking his brain to remember if he’d seen anything posted about him and X girl or if another rumor about him going solo had started up.  

 

_*You’ve been spotted*_  from his assistant.  

_*H, you and fam have been spotted, may want to send them out of the back*_ from Niall.

_*Niall, always the life saver.  H, come over after you’re done eating!*_ from Zayn.

_*Hey, how come no one else got that invite*_ from Liam

_*Thanks guys, will send them out when I go out the front.  Z, can we do something tomorrow after rehearsal?*_  Harry responded - noting that he hadn’t gotten anything from Louis.  Not that he expected anything from him with the way he’d...no, don’t think about that now.  No time to think about that now.

Harry sighed and smiled a bit, despite dreading seeing Louis again after their fight in LA, he was excited to see the rest of the guys.  But tonight was not the night.  He just needed to get home and take a pill and sleep the world away.  He couldn’t be this out of it tomorrow.

Harry quickly put his phone away and exited the bathroom noting that crowd outside has grown and people in the restaurant were already snapping photos and asking him for autographs as he maneuvered back to his family.  He stopped and signed as much as he could, took a few photos and sent his family an apologetic smile.  

They didn’t ask for this.  He hated that he couldn’t even eat with them without this happening.

 

“Hey guys, sorry,”  He said quietly as his mom and sister gave him a small smile to say they weren’t upset, “Think you guys should go out the back, there’s a car there waiting for you.  I’ll go out the front to distract them.”

“H, you don’t have a bodyguard…”Gemma said noticing the crowd outside was at least 100 deep.

“It’ll be fine.”  

“Harry, why don’t…”

“Mom, just.  Look, it’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before okay?  I’ll be good, you guys just get home.”

“H, you wanna stay with me tonight?”  Gemma asked sensing that her brother wasn’t okay at all.  She knew the signs that he’d just had a panic attack.  His hands were shaking, his eyes red rimmed and he couldn’t even muster up a fake smile.  She knew her brother.  She knew that everything hadn’t been okay - not since the beginning of this break and he’d spent months at a time in LA.

“What?  No, that’s.  I have to be up early so no need.”

“So do I.  I have work in the morning, I think you should stay with me H.”

“Gem, seriously.  I’m fine.  You guys just go home and I’ll talk to you later okay?” He said quickly throwing cash on the table for the bill and grabbing his jacket.

“Harry, are you sure?  I don’t see…” His mom said standing up and feeling uncomfortable leaving Harry to fend for himself.

“Mom.”  Harry said getting angry but trying to keep his temper in check.  “Just, can you just go.  The sooner I get out there, the sooner I can get this over with so just please.”  Gemma watched her brother as he plead with their mom to just go.  This was more than just let me get out of this place though - much more.  

“Do you, do you want me to bring the rest of your food over.”  Gemma said quietly.  Harry hadn’t even touched it.  

“No, I’ll see you guys later.”  He said walking away from the table, stopping and taking some pictures before getting to the front door.

At the door, he thanked the hostess and gave the valet his card to get his car from the parking lot.  As he looked outside, he noticed that the crowd of fans had become the crowd of fans and paparazzi.  Cameras were already flashing and he could hear them screaming his name.  *breathe breathe breathe.*  He chanted to himself as he ran his hands through his too long hair and braced himself the onslaught.  As soon as he walked outside:

 

> “HARRY!  OVER HERE!  PLEASE TAKE A PICTURE.”
> 
> “HARRY!  HARRY!  HARRY!”
> 
> “Are you really leaving the band?!”
> 
> “Why did you cheat on Kendall!”
> 
> “You’re such a manwhore.”

 

The insults from the paparazzi were mixing in with the fans begging for something, anything.  The flashes were so bright and he felt himself losing it.   _Too much, too much._

 

> “Harry over here!”
> 
> “Don’t be an asshole, we made you who you are!”
> 
> “HARRY WE LOVE YOU!”
> 
> “HARRY!  I THOUGHT YOU LOVED US!”

 

He took as many photos and signed as many things as he possibly could.  But as the crowd began to collapse in on him and cut off his path to his car, he couldn’t handle it.  He pushed through the crowd, apologizing to fans, trying not to have a meltdown in public.  

Once he was able to get to his car, he shakily put his keys in the ignition and took off waiting until he got a good distance from the restaurant to pull the car over and let the panic overwhelm him.  It felt like the walls were caving in, his heart beating a million miles a minute, tears streaming down his face as he broke down.  Alone.  As he’d been doing for the past 4 months.  All he wanted was Louis.  

And Louis wasn’t there, and it was his own fault.  

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Louis rolled over turning off his annoying ass alarm that his assistant had managed to figure out how to set without actually having his phone.  How does she even do that?!  He rubbed his eyes and yawned loudly while sitting up and dragging the covers away from his body before stumbling to the bathroom.

Today was the day.

Back to being Louis Tomlinson.  

⅕ of One Direction.  

Time to come out of hiding and back in front of cameras and screaming teens.  Back to being around Harry 24/7.  

He needed some tea.

After he stumbled into some hardly acceptable clothing but hell, it was the first day - all it would be would be meetings and contracts and talking, not need to get that cute - he walked downstairs to the kitchen and grabbed his phone to recheck when he should be at the recording studio.

15 missed calls.

29 texts.

45 What’s App notifications.

 

 _*What the hell?!*_  

His phone rang again flashing Liam’s name.

“Hey dude, what’s up?”

“Tommo!   Where the hell have you been?” Liam said practically screeching.  Louis had to wreck his brain because he’s 100% certain he wasn’t late and hadn’t missed anything.  Yet.  It was the first day.  You can’t miss the first day of school.  Or at least, he hadn’t for a while...did he miss the first day?!

“I was...sleeping?”  He asked.  Unsure if that was the right answer Liam was looking for because making Daddy Direction mad on the first day back just seemed like a really bad idea.

“Dude, we’ve been calling and calling.  You’ve got to answer  your phone.”

“I don’t…did I miss something?”

“Meeting earlier than planned.  Shit happened last night.”

“Shit?”  Louis asked with a confused face.  Why did everything happen when he was sleeping?

“Harry was totally bombarded - people claiming he blew off the fans.”

“Is...is he okay?”  Louis said quietly.  Knowing that Liam didn’t know what he knew...

“Dude, what the hell happened with you two in LA?  I know you guys have fought before but this time? It’s like you’re not even talking.”

“We’re just.  Look it’s complicated.  Is he okay?”  Liam sighed on the other end not believing a word that Louis was uttering.

“Don’t know.  Harry never turns down fans so it’s weird but the paps were all over him.  Looked bad.  Management wants to discuss the tour, this and how we behaved on break.”

“Guessing that last part is directed at me.”

“Hey, I was there with you man.  Pretty sure they’re about 20 seconds away from banning me from Twitter.”

“You did talk some rubbish on Twitter.  What were you thinking?”

“Same thing you were mate, same thing you were.”

“I know,” he sighed, “What time do I need to be at the studio.”

“Cars on its way, should be there…” Louis heard his doorbell ring and a text come through on his phone indicating that his driver had arrived, “nevermind.  See you soon mate.  Also, you should really get a separate phone for work.  Lets be real.”

“Fuck you Payno.  See you in a few.”  Louis said laughing as he hung up, put his cup in the sink and grabbed his bag.  

“Time to face the music.”  He mumbled walking out of his house, locking his door and jumping in his car.

 

**AT THE STUDIO**

Harry’s car pulled up to the studio and he took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead.  He still had a lingering headache from his panic attack last night as well as feeling less than present thanks to the Zoloft he had to take in order to just calm down this morning.  

“Mr. Styles?”

“It’s Harry, Greg.  How many times do I have to say that.”  He said with a small smile.

“You okay?”

“Yea, why wouldn’t I be?”

His driver turned around and looked at Harry in a way a dad would look at their son.  He couldn’t help it.  In the three years he’d driving around Harry, he’d developed a father like protection over him, like most people that met him.  He had to remind himself everyday that this was a 20 year old kid.  “Hey, you’re gonna be alright kid.  This part you know right?  The part that you love?”

“Yea, I guess.”  Harry drawled slowly bracing himself to get out of the car, “I’ll see you later Greg.”  As soon as he opened the door, the screams were mind numbing.  Jesus.  How’d they figure it out so fast.  He looked around quickly and noticed Paul standing nearby nodding his head to the door.  No signings this morning he guessed.

“Can’t I sign a few?”  He asked walking up to Paul.

“H.”

“After last night?  I think...I think I should.”  Paul thought to instantly tell Harry no, but then looked at him and saw the plea in his eyes.  He hated disappointing people.  Especially the fans.  

“Alright, 10 minutes.  That’s it.”

“Okay, I swear, 10 minutes.”  Harry turned quickly and walked over to the gate smiling his best smile and forcing himself to be present.  The worst part about Zoloft is it made him too calm sometimes, sluggish and his eyes always looked glazed over.  Usually people chalked it up to being tired, but when you've been on a 4 month break, tired doesn’t make sense.  

As he was chatting with the fans, the others’ cars began to pull up and the fans screams increased as one by one One Direction made their appearances.  Harry looked up the exact moment Louis’ name began to ring throughout the crowd and his breathing caught as soon as he locked eyes with him.  Neither moved for a moment, not sure what to do before Paul stepped in and grabbed Harry’s arm letting the fans know that he had to go inside now.  As he started pulling him towards the building Louis dropped his eyes and also headed inside where his arms were instantly full of an artificially blonde Irishman.  

“Geez Niall, warn a guy.”  He said laughing and gently putting him on the ground.  He was aware that his knee was mostly healed but he’d be damned if he would be responsible for causing any setbacks.

“Tommo!” Niall yelled, “Where have you been?!”

“You are the second person to ask me that and it’s not even 10am.  I’m starting to think I missed something.”  Louis mumbled throwing his bag down and making himself comfortable.  Kick off meetings were always the longest and this one was sounding like it was going to be longer than usual.  Hopefully they were bringing in sustenance...and maybe the police.  

“Huh?”  Niall asked confused.

“You and….”

“Vas happenin’!?!” Zayn yelled bursting through the door with Liam following shaking his head already seeing how the current energy level of the group was going to only aide in making this meeting with management suck.  They acted best when they couldn’t move due to being overworked.  Management and a fully energized 1D did not bode well for a positive outcome today. He just hoped Harry wasn’t on edge.  Kid had a temper like you wouldn’t believe.  It was sudden to, no warning signs, just an explosion.  He’d never forget the time Paul literally had to pin him to a wall and force him to calm down.  They’d never seen Harry like that and he’d rather not see it again.  

It was also unexpected because Harry was the most calm.  Sometimes creepishly calm so seeing him explode was the both scary and not something you could actually prepare for.

“Zaynie!”  Niall yelled pulling both him and Liam into a hug.  No one could deny Niall’s hugs.  That would be like denying a flower from a toddler.  And you just don’t do that.  

“Hey Niall.”  Liam said laughing.  He’d hung out with him just yesterday but that’s just how Niall was.  No matter how long it’d been, he always greeted you like you hadn’t seen him in 2 years.

There was some chaos around the room, assistants getting breakfast and lunch orders (because it was going to be one of those days), stylists taking measurements and random team members doing whatever they were hired to be doing.  Liam looked around the chaos and realized he hadn’t seen Harry yet, but he knew he was here…

“Hey, where’s Hazza?”  He yelled above the craziness.

“Um, I dunno.  He’s here.  I saw...right?  I'm not crazy.  I saw him?”  Zayn turned looking at Louis.  He and Niall had no idea that Harry and Louis weren’t so Harry and Louis right now.

“Don’t know mate.”  Louis said quietly pulling his shoes back on and avoiding eye contact.

“Paulie!  Where’s Harry?”  Liam yelled, it was the bodyguards jobs to know that...right?

“He’ll be out in a sec.”  Paul said.

“Out from…?”

“Li, just finish what you’re doing, he’ll be in here in a few.”

“Paul...what’s…” before he could finish Harry walked into the room looking tired.  Which...didn’t make sense.

“Harry!”  Niall yelled running over in his boxers (much to Caroline’s dismay) and gathering him into a warm hug which Harry seemed to sink into.

“Hey Ni.”  He said quietly.

“You okay?”  Niall said quietly back.  Pulling back to look Harry in the eye.

“Of course.  Why wouldn’t I be?”

Niall didn’t buy it, but he also knew not to push.  Harry reacted in the opposite when you tried to get out of him what was wrong.  He’d talk to them when he wanted to.  He simply grabbed Harry into another hug and squeezed him tight.  Sometimes words weren’t needed.

“Harry, darling, get over here quickly so I can take your measurements.”  Caroline yelled as she knew that it was about time to close the doors and lock the boys in with management.

“Yea, okay.”  Harry said dropping his bag and avoiding Louis at all possible costs.  Zayn shot Liam a look and Liam just sighed.  He didn’t even know how to begin to deal with that.  

“Ouch.”  Liam yelled as he was pinned by the seamstress.  

“Sorry love, stop wiggling.  I swear.  Every year.  It’s like you boys haven’t done this a hundred times.”  She said with fake exasperation.  

Harry walked over to Caroline and give her his usual smile, dimples and all, glancing over at Brooklyn who seemed to really be into thread this year.  Should babies play with...oh hell, what’d he know.

“Harry…” He heard Caroline say quietly.  He looked down at her, confused.  How could he have done something wrong?  He was just standing...oh.  He saw the tape measure around his waist. _That_. Caroline looked him in the eye, “Love…you’ve dropped 4 pant sizes in just few months…” She said quietly, not wanting the other boys to hear her knowing that Harry didn’t like people to crowd him if something was wrong.

“Yea, not on purpose.  LA ya know?”

“No love, I don’t know.  I’ve never…”

“I’m fine, I swear.”  Harry smiled at her - he did not want this to turn into a thing.

“Harry, if you need me.  Do I need to talk to Paul about this?”

“No, no please Caroline.  I swear, there’s nothing wrong.”  Harry said again.  Begging her with his eyes to leave it alone.

“You come to me if this is something.  You tell these boys if you’re not okay do you understand me.” Harry silently nodded his head and blinked away the tears forming in his eyes.  Caroline was just like his mom.  So in tune to Harry.  Making him feel things he didn’t want to feel.  Every boy had their different way of dealing with all the stuff that came with becoming a celebrity over night.

Niall would get grumpy and closed off on the bad days.  Not being his usual self and wanting, for once, to be the one getting hugs instead of giving.  A trip to Nando’s and a night watching movies cuddling on the couch fixed any sour mood that he hardly found himself in.

Louis would play soccer.  If he was feeling stressed he was more intense than his usual self and taking him onto an empty field for a few hours would help bring him back to his usual, less sinister self.

Liam’s bad moods were more infrequent than Niall’s and usually was due to external things getting to him.  Lately, he’d been rebeling online; tweeting to the people that brought him the negative emotions in the first place.  At his worst, he took it out on the gym.  He would go there for a few hours and come back to work as if he was never in a bad mood.

Zayn would get quiet.  Not that he wasn’t already quiet, but he’d get quieter.  Sneaking off to be alone.  Always drawing in his sketchbook.  This why the guys now had the graffitti section for backstage.  A place where Zayn always was if all the bullshit was becoming too much. They guys didn’t bother him when he was there, knowing that he wanted and needed to be alone for a few hours.

Harry, on the other hand, didn’t have a coping mechanism.  His mechanism was to not let anyone know anything was wrong.  He’d take it out on himself with tattoos and god knows what else.  He was his own worst critic and when it was bad, no one ever knew.  The guys would try to comfort him, but it’s hard to do that when you don’t know what’s wrong in the first place. Harry, the kid who wore his heart on his sleeve was also the most closed book in the group.  No one understood how he did it.

“Alright, we need to get the meeting with management started.”  Paul said loudly.  Caroline sighed and wrote down Harry’s measurements thinking that not telling someone about this wasn’t the best choice but she’d let him prove that this wasn’t something to worry about.  If he lost any more weight, all bets would be off.

Harry watched Caroline, noting that she was less than thrilled to be keeping his weight loss to herself, but he knew she wouldn’t tell; not until she got so worried that she had to.  *Way to fuck up someone else’s day* Harry thought.  He’d already been belittled by management, threatened by PR and ignored by Louis.  

  
It wasn’t even 10am yet.


	4. Chapter 4

“...this tour isn’t going to be some kind of rebellion against your teenage years.  We made this band and we can tear it apart.  I don’t care what drama you do or don’t have, who you are or aren’t dating, what we say goes.  Your break is over.”  With that, Mike left the meeting room with a slam of door.

The group sat shocked, their assistants slowly getting up and backing out of the room, giving Paul and they boys a sympathetic look as they ran through the list of things they needed to start doing to comply to what just happened in the meeting.  

No one said a word as the quietly closed the door.

Paul stood up as well, looked at each of the boys and waited.  Someone would respond eventually.  Sometimes they just needed a minuet to process...

“Well.” Niall said with a deep sigh, “that went...it could have gone worse?”  He said glancing up at all his band mates and noting that no one else seemed to even be breathing let alone enjoying his very lame attempt at a joke.  

 

“What gives them the FUCKING right to tell me how to live my life?!”  Louis suddenly exploded.  Well,  Niall was expecting that from Harry...but hey.  Its been a weird day, anything is impossible including an irrationally angry Louis Tomlinson. 

“Louis…”Paul tried to stop an already ticking time bomb.

“No, what the fuck Paul.   **What.  The.  Fucking.  Fuck**?!  If I want to get a tattoo then fuck if I’m going to _ask_ them.  Jesus fucking christ.”  Louis yelled throwing his teacup against the cabinet.  The rest of the boys sat quietly, watching and waiting.   When Louis got like this, no one was safe.  

“And what the fuck Harry!”  He said turning his anger towards him, “How the fuck can you just sit there and not say **anything**!”

_‘Shit, shit, shit, shit’_ Niall thought.  Nothing was worse than an angry Louis AND Harry.  Even Paul hadn't learned to tame that recipe for disaster, and usually one of them was calming the other down but since they hadn't been exactly talking...shit.  

“Okay, Lou.”  Liam said stepping in, trying to diffuse a situation before it got out of hand, but Harry hadn’t even moved or looked up from his hands clasped in his lap.  

“No, fucking.  He can’t even defend himself.  What the fuck is wrong with you?!”  Louis said glaring at Harry.

“Lou, this isn’t…” Zayn started.

“No, none of you can say anything because you don’t know what the fuck has been going on!”

“How can we know what’s going on when neither one of you will talk to us?!” Liam yelled loudly.   _Shit_.  Niall thought and looked over at Paul for some help.  This was getting out of hand.  Angry Louis.  Silent anger building Harry.  Angry _Liam_.  Jesus.  

“Guys, maybe we should all take a few min to cool off.”  Paul suggested walking over to steer Liam away.  Liam was usually the reasonable one, and less likely to strike out at Paul for touching him when he was mad.  Louis was like an unpredictable child, you just never knew if he’d throw a punch or start crying, just depending on the day.

“Why don’t you ask Harry what’s going on.”  Louis said ignoring Paul completely.

“If you know then why don’t you just enlighten us?!” Liam said back just as stubbornly.  Zayn put his head in his hands - what he usually did when he would rather be smoking than dealing with shit.

“It’s not my place to tell you.”  Louis said lowering his voice.  Maybe this was serious - he looked serious and Harry had yet to look up - it was like his pants were the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen.

“Harry?   _Tell them_.”  Louis said harshly.

“H?” Zayn said quietly once the room had been silent for a few minutes.  Harry still hadn’t moved.  Niall didn’t even know if he was breathing.   

Paul suddenly felt like this was something that needed to be handled.  Harry didn’t respond well to being bombarded.

“Alright guys, look, whatever is going on here…”

“Nothing is going on.”  Harry finally breathed out quietly as he stood up quickly and left the room.

“I knew he wouldn’t.”  Louis said quietly with tears in his eyes.

“Louis, what is going?  What is happening?”  Zayn asked concerned with the fact that there were tears in his eyes.

“I, I need some air.”  Louis said quietly walking out of the door without another word.

“Shit.”  Niall said after a few minutes of silence, “And it’s only day one.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Harry quickly found the nearest bathroom and locked the door before he collapsed on the floor hyperventilating .

The meeting kept running through his head, every harsh word that management had thrown, every look of anger the boys followed with.  It was his fault.  If he’d.  God.  He pulled his knees up to his chest trying to force himself to calm down.  His entire body was shaking with the sobs he tried to hold in.  He’d been trying to hold them in since he’d arrived and management had pulled him aside and had their own ‘private’ meeting with him.  He couldn’t keep up the facade once Louis had started yelling - he couldn’t take that too.  

His chest was tight as he tried tried to keep under control but he couldn’t.  He needed a pill.   **He needed a pill**.  He hadn't _needed_ one in years, and now It was all he could think about.  He searched his pocket as his hand connected with option 2.  

Option 2 that he’d been trying to avoid for months.  He couldn’t do it.  He couldn’t….he’d promised his family years ago that he’d stop doing this.  He couldn’t even remember putting it in his pocket but he couldn’t find a pill and he needed something.   _Anything_.  

He pulled out the razor and held it in his shaky hand as every harsh word he’d heard or read today filtered through his mind.  He couldn’t handle this.

His world was swimming as he stood up and pulled down his pants where his past was written in faint scars all over his legs - it’s a wonder no one ever asked about them.  Most people chalked them up to injuries of typical boys.  Whatever.  He placed the razor on his skin and felt the pressure in his chest lessen as the blood flowed out of the red lines on his leg.  He couldn’t believe it was this bad again.  As he felt tears well in his eyes, all he could think to do was silently ask someone for help.  

He needed help.

“Harry?” He heard someone quietly say on the other side of the door.  Niall. Of course.  “You okay?”

Harry bite his knuckles to prevent himself from sobbing out loud.  He couldn’t tell Niall.  Not the one member who still lived this life with a real smile and with 100% devotion.  He wouldn’t become his problem.

“H?” Shit, Liam too.

He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath hoping to steady his voice.

“I’m fine.”  He said hoping it sounded more convincing than he thought.

“Harry...I have no idea what’s going on with you and Louis but we’re...I just don’t know...if you guys would talk to us…” Niall said not sure how to approach this situation.  Harry and Louis had always just been so... _together_.  The rest of the band had never seen them like this. They’d always been 1 person, thinking, acting and moving as one.  Even before they were officially Louis and Harry.- these two had always handled each other without the interference of the rest of the band.  

“Nothing’s going on.” Harry said pulling his jeans up with a silent hiss and putting his razor back in his pocket.   _Pull yourself together._  He thought looking himself in the eyes in the mirror before splashing his face with water.  

“It’s pretty obvious that…”Liam started before the door flew open and Harry walked out.  Smile on his face, dimples showing.

“It’s fine guys.  Sorry.  What’s up next today?”  Liam and Niall looked at each other knowingly.  Harry might be able to put on a smile but his eyes gave him away.  

“Harry you don’t have to pretend with us.”  Niall said cautiously.

“Guys, seriously, I’m fine.  Just tired.  I’ll meet you in the rehearsal room yeah?  I’m guessing that’s what’s up next?”  He said pulling away before he felt himself being tugged into Liam’s chest.

“Don’t do this - don’t pretend with us.”  Liam whispered into Harry’s ear feeling him tense as soon as he was too close for comfort.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut as he melted into Liam.  He wanted nothing more than to talk to the boys, to ask them for help but he couldn’t.  He signed up for this.  He promised everyone that he would be able to handle this.  He pulled away from Liam, refusing to look him in the eye.

“Harry, look if it’s…”

“Boys!  Come one, everyone is waiting to get started.” Paul yelled from down the hall.  

“Hey Paul can we…”Niall started.

“Coming.”  Harry yelled over him pulling away from Liam and turning towards Paul without a second glance.

“Li, what is going on?”  Niall asked searching the most sensible member of the band eye’s for an answer.  For the first time though, Liam didn’t have the answers.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Rehearsals, rehearsals, rehearsals.  Louis forgot what it felt like to wake up every day with absolutely no control over your choices for the day. They’d finally moved to their secluded location to start rehearsing on the actual stage, so at least they weren’t getting bombarded coming in and out of the studio.  

Glass half full.

As he sat on the side of the stage during their water break, he couldn’t help but look over at Harry.  Harry, who was usually the life of the party, had taken a back seat to most of the prep for the tour.  Doing as told.  Singing when needed.  Remaining silent when his presence wasn’t required.  Everyone was noticing.  The band.  The bodyguards.  The new kid who kept bringing him tea like drinking hot liquids in the middle of a song was something he actually wanted to be doing.

Everyone noticed, and not one person said or did anything.  Including Louis.  Louis who knew that there was something wrong but was much too stubborn to seek out the others for help.  

“Hey.”  Zayn said sitting next to him offering Louis a cigarette.  He knew that smoking on the stage wasn’t allowed, but who gave a fuck at this point.  The fans knew that they all smoked.  Even Harry would light a joint every now and then - yoga didn’t get rid of all the stress.

“Thanks.”  He said lightning it quickly.  He noticed Harry tense, but chose to ignore it.  Harry was always tense these days so maybe that wasn’t a change.

“You could always just talk to him ya know.” Zayn said without looking at Louis.  Always the subtle one.

“It’s not that I...you guys act like I want us to be like this.”

“If you don't, why not just change it Lou.  One of you has to give.”

“Not me.”

Zayn took a drag of his cigarette being mindful of how he was phrasing his next thought, “You remember when you and Harry started to be you and Harry?”

“Of course I do.”

“No, I mean, like, do you remember that day you knew Harry was feeling sick without him even _saying it_?  The days when you would have a doctor to your door before he could wake up and tell you he was sick?  Or the days when you’d plan things for him to make him not miss home so much?  I’m not talking about when you guys realized you were more than just best friends, but the day you guys became the same person.  He can read you like a book.  You can feel him like a second skin.  This fight?  What’s been happening the past few weeks, is both of you trying to push away your better half.  It has to stop Lou.  You’re killing each other.  And Niall.”

“Niall?”

“Yea, you guys were like, what he envisioned the perfect relationship to be like and you’re ruining his life ideals.”

Louis laughed at that.  Imagining Niall being upset over Harry and he like he got whenever someone told him Nando’s was closed for the night.  

“Just go talk to him Lou.”

“It’s not that easy Zayn.  You don’t understand…”

“Then explain it.”

“I don’t.  I don’t think it’s my place to explain.”  Louis said sadly taking a drag of his cigarette

“We can’t help you guys if you don’t tell us what’s going on, and if we can’t help you than you guys need to figure it out.  We can’t go on tour with you two like this.  It doesn’t feel right.”

“I know.”  Lou sighed looking over to where Harry had been but no longer was - how’d he disappear so fast?

“I’m serious Lou.  Figure this out.”  Zayn said quietly patting him on the shoulder before heading over to his assistant to talk about the rest of his week.

_I’m trying._  Was all Louis could think as he took another drag of his cigarette, but he didn’t know where to start.  He’d never had to figure Harry out before - he didn’t know this Harry, and he had no idea where to begin.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight…” Niall mumbled to himself.  So what if he liked the Lion King?  He was bored.  People thought putting together a tour was fun.  No.  It wasn’t fun.  Half the time you weren’t even **_doing_** anything.  Louis broke the stage (okay perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration…) so they had time to do nothing.  Niall didn’t do well with idle hands and he hadn’t exactly been cleared to play football so if he wanted to sit here and sing the Lion King he was going to sit and sing the Lion King.  

“Were you just mumbling the Lion King?”  Liam asked coming around the corner.

“No.  Maybe.  Yes.”  Niall was the worst liar, well, next to Harry.

“I hope that’s not your next song.”

“If it is?  A rendition?  Or maybe a cover?  We should do a cover.”

“No.”

“I think you’re…” He started before they heard someone rummaging around in the bathroom.

“What was that?”  Liam asked - it wasn’t exactly like hanging around backstage was a thing to do for anyone but them, but their fans had surprised them before.

“I dunno.  I didn’t see anyone come back here.”

“If it’s some fan who has figured out how to get back here…”

“Aw come on.  It’s probably just Paul.”  Liam said walking over to the door.  He wasn’t scared.  Even if it was a fan ( _lord, he hoped it was a fan and not some psycho hater_ ) a few pictures and a hug would be the end of it.  “Hello?”  

Niall couldn’t help but laugh - it was like they were in a scary movie.

“Shut it you twat.”  Liam said angrily before hearing a whimper.

“Hey,” he said looking to see if the door was unlocked and pushing it open, “HARRY!  Hey, Hey, what’s wrong?”

Niall jumped up as soon as he heard Liam’s panicked voice coming from the bathroom, “What’s going on?” He asked loudly.

“I don’t...H, you have to tell us what’s wrong.”  Liam said crouching down in front of Harry who was wheezing with tears coming out of his eyes.

“I need you to breathe Harry.”  Liam said grabbing Harry’s hand and putting it against his own chest.  “Follow me.  Follow me.”

“Li, is it, he hasn’t had an asthma attack in years.”  Niall said scrambling and looking for an inhaler.  

“Breathe H.  You’re fine okay.  Just breathe.”  Liam said ignoring Niall.

“C - Can - I - can - Li…” Harry said trying to follow Liam but there was no air.

“You can.  You can H.”

“Li, I can’t find his inhaler.”  Niall said quietly in Liam’s ear.  He didn’t want to freak out Harry anymore.

“Harry, hey no, no, you stay with me, understand,”  Liam said firmly.  He may not have seen Harry have an attack this bad in years, but he remembered how to deal with them.  Harry’s eyes were impossibly wide - this was the most vulnerable anyone outside of Louis would ever see Harry.  He was terrified, “we’re gonna fix it.  You’re fine.”  

“Li?”  Niall asked.

“Go get the medic.  Get the medic Ni and Lou.  Get Lou.”  He didn’t care how mad they were at each other - Harry always needed Louis at times like this.  Niall didn’t even question it as he ran towards the main venue.  Fuck it if he wasn’t supposed to run yet.    

“N - No.  No, Lou, he - I…”Harry tried to protest as he felt his vision fading.  He needed air.  Why wasn’t there any air?

“Stop H.  Stop - you need him and you know it.”  All Harry could do was whimper.  The asthma coupled with his inability to keep his anxiety in check was not making this any easier.

He was so scared.  Not just of right now.  He wasn’t exactly handling anything well lately.

“Li, Li, scared.”  He managed to whisper.

“I know Hazza, I know, but I’m here.  Right here.”  Liam said quietly keeping Harry’s eyes trained on him and trying not to tear up on how young Harry looked.  

“PAUL!  PAUL!”  Niall said running into the venue panting, fuck he was out of shape.  Everyone in the venue - band, assistants, strange tea kid - turned to look as he run up to Paul panting.

“Niall, what?  What’s wrong?!”  Pauls said scanning the area looking for danger.  Niall didn’t play jokes on Paul - if he’d been Lou, Paul would assume the intensity of this moment was some start to a god awful prank.  But this was Niall and Niall didn’t prank, not like this.

“It’s Harry, we need the medic.”  Niall panted out turning and dragging Paul with him.  

“Niall, what’s going on?!”  Zayn yelled from across the stage.  

“Harry!”  Was Niall had to yell before both Zayn and Louis jumped into action as well.  Paul was already on the phone getting the medic to meet them.

“Where is he Niall?!”  Louis yelled.  

“Dressing room.  He, I haven’t seen him have an asthma attack in forever.  It’s bad Paul.  We can’t find an inhaler anywhere.  He’ll need a nebby or oxygen.  I don’t know!  Just come on!”  Niall said running back to the dressing room.  Turning the corner and almost smashing into the medics.

“Paul, what’s wrong?!”  The medics asked.  All they were able to get from the panicked call was Harry, asthma.  They’d heard it before so knew what they needed, but Harry hadn’t had issues with his asthma since their first tour.  

“It’s Harry.  Think he’s having an asthma attack.  God, I don’t even.  I can’t believe I stopped getting those filled.”  Paul said opening the door and finding Liam still trying to coach Harry into breathing.

“Li, I have the medics.  Step back.”  He ordered.

“Harry, you know the drill kid, need you to calm down and inhale the medicine.”  The medic gently.  He’d been with the band long enough to know that Harry hated having attention on him like this and hated, without argument, anyone in a medical uniform.  Which is why he flinched as soon as the medic tried to help him put the nebulizer in his mouth.  

“Harry, we’re only trying to help mate.”

“Move.”  They heard Louis say.  “Step back!”  He yelled when the medics didn’t move fast enough.  They handed him the nebulizer knowing that Louis knew what to do.

“Babe, love, you’re scaring me here.  Need you to focus on me okay.  I know you’re scared.  I know.  But we’re trying to help.”  He said gently sitting next to Harry and pulling him out of his balled position onto his lap.   _He’s lost so much weight_.  Louis thought but pushed the thought aside and focused on the here and now.  He put the tube into Harry’s mouth and trained his eyes on him.

“It’s just you and me babe.  Okay?  We’re gonna breathe now.  Just let the medicine work.  I know you’re tired, but I need you to focus for a few more minutes okay?”  Harry was gripping Louis’ shirt with a death grip as he continued to cry while trying to get air into his lungs.

“I know, I know.  You’re fine though.”  Louis said stroking Harry’s checks and taking his headscarf off of his head so he could brush his fingers through his hair, the secret key to calming Harry down.  He put his other hand on Harry’s chest to help him focus.  “Push on my hand babe.  Just focus on that.  I’m not going anywhere.”

The medics backed out of the bathroom as soon as they heard Harry’s breathing beginning to ease up and nodded at Paul to go out into the hall with them.  Liam, Zayn and Niall stood back - still in the bathroom worried but not wanting to crowd Harry.

As Louis began to feel that Harry's breathing was getting under control he gently started to pry Harry's fingers from his shirt.  "Relax H.  Relax.  You're fine."  Harry continued to stare at Louis, needing him to stay here.  He needed him to be here.  "Keep breathing babe.  I'm not going anywhere."  Louis said quietly kissing Harry's forehead to reassure him.  He knew that were still fighting, this didn't erase the past 2 months but he also knew Zayn was right.  He had to fix this.

Harry felt his eyes dropping.  The asthma meds mixed with the fact he hadn't slept more than 3 hours a night for past week were all combining to make him bone tired.  He was trying to keep his eyes open, but he couldn't.

"It's alright H.  You did so good.  You can sleep.  It's okay."  Louis said lowering Harry's head onto his shoulder and rubbing gentle circles around his back as he rocked him back and forth.  

"Lou..." Niall began quietly.

"Not yet Ni."  He answered fixing his gaze on the boys asking them to wait until Harry was asleep.

Zayn lowered himself onto the bathroom floor, Liam and Niall followed, and Liam quietly started singing:

 

> I should ink my skin with your name  
>  And take my passport out again  
>  And just replace it  
>  See I could do without a tan  
>  On my left hand,  
>  Where my fourth finger meets my knuckle  
>  And I should run you a hot bath  
>  And fill it up with bubbles
> 
> 'Cause maybe you're loveable  
>  And maybe you're my snowflake  
>  And your eyes turn from green to gray  
>  In the winter I'll hold you in a cold place  
>  And you should never cut your hair  
>  'Cause I love the way you flick it off your shoulder
> 
> And you will never know  
>  Just how beautiful you are to me  
>  But maybe I'm just in love  
>  When you wake me up

 

Zayn picked up here, singing just as gently.

>  
> 
>   
>  And would you ever feel guilty if you did the same to me?  
>  Could you make me a cup of tea to open my eyes in the right way?  
>  And I know you love Shrek  
>  ‘Cause we've watched it 12 times  
>  But maybe you're hoping for a fairy tale too  
>  And if your DVD breaks today  
>  You should've got a VCR  
>  Because I've never owned a Blue ray, true say
> 
> And now I always been shit at computer games  
>  And your brother always beats me  
>  And if I lost, I’d go across and chuck all the controllers at the TV  
>  And then you’d laugh at me  
>  And be asking me  
>  If I'm gonna be home next week  
>  And then you'd lie with me 'til I fall asleep  
>  And flutter eye lash on my cheek between the sheets
> 
> And you will never know  
>  Just how beautiful you are to me  
>  But maybe I'm just in love  
>  When you wake me up
> 
>  

Niall joined them both for the final verse and chorus.

>  
> 
>   
>  And I think you hate the smell of smoke  
>  You always try to get me to stop  
>  But you drink as much as me  
>  And I get drunk a lot  
>  So I'll take you to the beach  
>  And walk along the sand  
>  And I'll make you a heart pendant  
>  With a pebble held in my hand  
>  And I'll carve it like a necklace  
>  So the heart falls where your chest is  
>  And now a piece of me is a piece of the beach  
>  And it falls just where it needs to be  
>  And rests peacefully  
>  So you just need to breathe  
>  To feel my heart against yours now, against yours now
> 
> ‘Cause maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up  
>  Or maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up  
>  Maybe I fell in love when you woke me up

Louis felt Harry fully relax against him as the boys finished singing.  Louis knew he was out - finally he was sleeping peacefully and breathing evenly.  This level of attack always left Harry exhausted.  He'd be asleep for a while.  Louis looked at his three other best friends with tears in his eyes.  He'd been thinking that he was in this alone; that he'd have to figure out how to deal with Harry alone but as they all sat on the floor of the bathroom, he knew it was their silent way of letting him know that he wasn't alone.

They weren't alone.

"He asleep?"  Zayn asked quietly.

"Yea.  Yea, he's asleep." Louis said shakily pulling the nebulizer out of Harry's mouth and readjusting him so he'd be comfortable.

"We should get him home.  Or at least on a couch somewhere..." Liam said realizing that he had no idea where Harry'd been staying since he and Louis weren't talking.

"I want.  I want to take him home."  Louis said quietly placing a kiss on Harry's temple and pulling him that much closer, if that was even possible. He'd missed the feeling of Harry in his arms.  He missed Harry. 

"Yea.  Okay.  We can do that."  Niall said with a small smile.  

They heard Paul come in with a deep sigh knowing that he hadn't been planning for this day to take this particular turn and any turns that were unexpected during tour prep would mean rescheduling of more things than the boys realized.

"Hey guys, he sleeping?"  Paul asked looking at them all sitting on the floor of the bathroom supporting Harry as much as they could.  Damn, these were just kids.  He constantly had to remind the crew and himself that these were just boys trying to figure out who they were and who they wanted to become as individuals and a band.  He couldn't even count how many times he'd argued with management about being too hard on them, and right now he was reminded in a harsh way about how young they were.  

"Yea."  Liam said.  "We, we're gonna have to call practice.  He isn't in any shape to be practicing today."

"I know.  Already told the crew - we'll have to go double time tomorrow, but you guys are free to go today."

"I don't wanna wake him up."  Louis said firmly.

"Doubt you could.  I remember how hard he slept after an attack like that.  We're pulling his car around the back - we can carry him to it.  Driver is going to take the back road to avoid the fans."

"I'm going with him."

"Lou..."

"Don't.  Don't fucking Lou me Paul.  It wasn't a question.  And we're going home to **_our_** home.  Not some fake house that people think he lives at.   **We're.  Going.  Home.** "  Louis said firmly.  Paul sighed.  Another fight he wasn't willing to pick.  Lou had every right to ride in a car with his boyfriend.  Paul didn't like keeping them separated in the first place.

"Okay.  Fine.  Fine."  

"Lou, I think.  We need to have.  There's obviously something going on here and you know more than we do.  We need to talk."  Zayn said hesitantly.

"I know."

"Think we should do it while he's sleeping."

"I know.  Yea.  You're right.  Just.  Come over.  We can talk."

"Here."  Liam said standing and positioning himself to take Harry from Louis so he could stand. "Let me carry him."

Louis teared up at the comment, remembering the thought he'd had earlier.  "He's lost so much weight Li."  He said passing Harry over who quietly whimpered before being soothed back to sleep by Liam's gentle voice letting him know he was okay.  

Liam didn't respond to Louis' statement.  Just looked him squarely in the eye and silently confirmed that they'd figure it out.  As he stood and carried Harry out of the room.

Niall helped gather all of their bags and phones.  Taking a deep breath bracing himself.  

"You okay Ni?"  Paul asked noticing the Irish lad was hesitating at the door. 

"I don't.  I don't know."  He responded letting a few tears fall.  

"Paul, what did the medics say?"  Zayn asked gathering Niall in his arms and letting him cry.

"It was asthma - it's a stadium tour so the risk of there being too much crap in the air is elevated.  But it was more the panic than anything else.  We'll get his medication filled.  There - there should have been an inhaler regardless of how long its been since he had an attack.  I just..."

"Not your fault Paul."  Zayn said gently.

"Hey guys, you ready?  There's another car for us.  Louis and Harry are already out.  He's gonna get H in bed and then we're gonna talk."  Liam said noticing that Niall was crying.  Zayn gave him a nod to indicate that he was okay and squeezed Niall one more time before pulling away.

"You good Ni?"

"Yea.  Yea.  Sorry.  Let's go." He said walking to the door as Liam put his arm around his shoulder and began the trek to the car with Paul close behind.

Zayn let out a sigh.  He wished that he was surprised that this was happening.  He'd always thought there was something in Harry that was building up a false sense of happiness.  Something he kept buried.  His need for perfection and need to have everyone like him, love him even, was recipe for disaster.

At some point he was going to realize that he couldn't be everything for everyone.  It was physically impossible.

He wished he'd said something to Harry sooner; told him that he didn't need to be perfect.

What if they were too late?  What if the Harry they loved was gone? 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit: Ed Sheeran "Wake Me Up"


	6. Chapter 6

Louis sighed deeply as he finished tucking Harry into bed. His eyes welled with tears again as he watched Harry sleep. He had no idea what they were going to do. He leaned down and kissed Harry on the forehead, “Love you H.” He said quietly before heading out of their room and leaning against the door with closed eyes bracing himself for heading downstairs and facing the rest of their band. He knew they’d arrived as he heard noises coming for the kitchen; bags being opened and the tea kettle whistling letting them know that the water was ready. No time like the present he thought heading down the stairs.

“Hey Tommo, hungry?” Niall asked once he noticed him standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Niall, always with the food. 

“Not really. Tea sounds good though.” He sighed joining Zayn at the table as he rubbed his eyes - he didn’t realize how tired the day had made him.

As the boys gathered their choices for food and drink (Liam pulling out a bottle of tequila that he was sure would be soon preferred over tea) they sat in silence. The other three knew that Louis had to gether his thoughts, figure out the best way to approach the situation, so they waited.

Louis wasn’t sure where to start. The best part about Harry and he was also the worst. The fact that they could have a conversation in complete silence; the fact that the boys rarely had to run interference with their relationship; the fact that everything worked so seamlessly was the hardest part about their relationship. When they needed help, they had to explain. The boys looked startled when Louis suddenly stood up and walked over to Harry’s bag digging around looking for something.

“Lou?” Niall asked confused.

“Guys, there really. I don’t know exactly what’s going on I just know that. Harry isn’t…” He started before turning around holding a bottle of pills.

“What is that?” Liam asked, full on daddy mood, getting up and snatching the bottle from Louis. “Zoloft?” 

Louis handed him another bottle. “Xanax? What is this?”

“Before Harry left the last time to LA we weren’t. We were fighting all the time. He was totally shut off from me. I couldn’t get him to talk to me, I couldn’t figure what what was wrong and I was so angry at him. It was like he wasn’t. He wasn’t even present half the time. He was constantly going to LA and he wouldn’t explain it to me,” Louis pauses taking a breath before sitting back down at the table, “so I got suspicious. I thought he was cheating on me.” Louis said tearing up.

“Lou, you know he’d never…”

“Harry 2 years ago yes, but I couldn’t figure this Harry out. I didn’t know. Everything he was doing was just so out of character. He was angry. He was sad. He just. He wasn’t Harry.”

“What happened in LA Lou.” Liam said, having his suspicions.

“That night you went out with Josh, we got into a huge fight. He hadn’t been sleeping and I just. I wanted him to go talk to someone. I just. I couldn’t help him and we were hardly talking. Earlier that day, I’d gone through his bag and I found all the pills and I still can’t figure out if he’s on them for a reason of if…”

“You don’t think he’s taking drugs, do you?” Niall asked.

“I don’t know Niall. I just. When I confronted him it was like a totally different person emerged. He was so angry with me. Accusing me of not trusting him. He had a complete breakdown and then he hit me…”

“What?! What do you mean he fucking hit you?!” Zayn finally exploded. He wasn’t prepared for that, Harry wouldn’t…

“Zayn.” Liam tried.

“No, what the fuck Li? He hit him. What the actual fuck?” 

“I know. Z, I know. Just keep it down okay. I don’t want him to wake up.”

“I think we should go wake him up so he can explain himself.” Zayn said angry.

“He, it wouldn’t matter Z. I don’t even know if he remembers doing it. I have no idea. It was like. I don’t think he’s on drugs though. I really don’t. Not by choice.”

“What do you mean?” Li asked as Zayn pulled a cigarette - guess he pushed his quitting day out, again.

“I. I think Harry is depressed,” Louis said quietly, “and I think it’s serious. For some reason, we overlooked, we didn’t see it, but he’s breaking and I don’t have any idea what to do.” Louis had tears in his eyes and the rest of the boys realized how long he’d been dealing with this by himself.

“Lou, how long have you thought this?” Liam asked pulling him into a hug.

“I, there were times, moments the past four years were I thought maybe, but he always pulled himself out of it so I thought it was just the typical stress of being us,” he said letting a few tears fall, “but I don’t think it’s that. I don’t think he’s pulling himself out of anything just pretending like it wasn’t happening and now he can’t. He’s falling apart, and I don’t know what to do.” He sobbed.

“Lou, Louis, shhh don’t. It’s going to be okay, we’ll figure this out.” Liam said also letting a few tears fall.

“I don’t know where to start Li. I don’t know how to, what are we supposed to do? He isn’t eating, he isn’t sleeping and today - today, he can’t keep have days like today.” 

“I know, I know.”

“Do we, do we cancel the tour?” Zayn asked hesitantly.

“No, no we can’t do that. It would. If he was the reason to let down all the fans? He couldn’t handle that.” Louis sighed still letting Liam hold him. It felt good to get this off his chest. He needed to let the others in.

“What. What do we do?” Niall said lost.

“I think, if this is as serious as it sounds, we need to call Anne. Maybe, maybe there’s something they know…?” Liam said thinking out loud.

“Jesus,” Niall whispered looked at his brothers, “Jesus.”

 

Louis sat gently on the bed after he’d gathered himself and watched Harry sleep. The guys had hurried home to grab a few changes of clothes. They were going to stay with Harry and Louis for the next few days until the tour started. They wanted him to feel that he had someone to turn to. Harry had managed to make himself as small as possible in their large bed. He’d always been good at that. No matter how tall he was he managed to make himself the smallest in the room. Louis always thought it was adorable but now, now he’s thinking he does it for other reasons. 

He gently rubbed his fingers through Harry’s hair as Harry sighed and leaned into the touch.

“Baby boy. We’re here.” He gently laid down next to Harry as a few more tears escaped his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to fall asleep but he was afraid to let Harry wake up alone. Harry was usually disorientated after an asthma attack like that and Louis just, he was afraid if he closed his eyes, he’d wake up and Harry would be gone. 

He didn’t even realize when a few hours had passed as he felt Harry shift and groan. 

“H?” Louis said gently scooting closer to Harry so he would be the first thing he saw. Harry whimpered gently and tried to roll away, but Louis wouldn’t let him. “Open your eyes love.”

“Lou?” 

“Yea baby, right here. Take your time.” He said kissing his forehead as Harry slowly blinked open his eyes and figured out where he was.

“Home?” He asked quietly, slowly blinking as if Louis was a figment of his imagination.

“Yea babe, we’re home.” Louis reassured kissing his forehead.

“Why...what happened?”

“You had an asthma attack babe. Medics had to give you your nebby.” 

“Oh.” Harry said sighing deeply and letting his eyes fall closed again.

“You scared me today babe.”

“I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.” Harry whispered opening his eyes. Louis wasn’t prepared for the pain in those eyes. Harry was his most vulnerable when he wasn’t awake yet, when the walls weren’t in place. 

“I know love. I’m not mad.” Harry didn’t respond and just looked down at the duvet no longer meeting Louis’ eyes. 

“Hey.” Louis whispered trying to catch Harry’s eyes, “Look at me Hazza.”

Harry took a deep breath and Louis could see him putting the building blocks back together to build his walls. Louis let him. He didn’t want to push him. “What time is it?” Harry asked.

“About 8. We left rehersals early…”

“I’m sorry.” Harry whispered brokenly. he hated letting people down.

“It’s fine babe. it’s fine. We’ll make up for it tomorrow.” Louis reassured. 

“Are. Are the boys mad at me?” He whispered panting slightly.

“Take a deep breath baby. Take a breathe. They’re not mad either. They just went home to grab some clothes. Thinking a bad sleepover is in order - haven’t had one in a while.” Louis said with a small smile but received nothing in return.

“I’m gonna go take a shower then.” He said quietly instead.

“Hey.” Louis said grabbing Harry wrist, “ You’re fine okay. Don’t worry about today.”  
“Ok.” Harry said clearly not believing Louis as he pulled away and walked into the bathroom. Once the door was closed and locked, Harry slide down onto the floor and pulled his knees up to his chest letting the panic he’d been keeping at bay come to surface as he realized that not only had he’d had an asthma attack in front of everyone but he’d also managed to pass out and worry his bandmates, made them cancel rehearsal and didn’t even want to imagine the emails from management waiting for him. 

They’d told him to stop making himself the center of attention.

They’d warned him about taking the spotlight away from the band. 

And now he had a night surrounded by his bandmates. He squeezed his eyes tightly at that thought and knew he couldn’t take anything tonight. But he needed something. So he reached for his razor, pulled down his pants and relieved some of the pressure on his chest. 

“Harry?” Louis said gently through the door.

Harry took a deep breath but couldn’t get the words out of his throat.

“Hey, Harry?” Louis said a little panicked. 

“Yea.” He managed to whisper.

“I. The boys just got back and we, hey can I come in?” Louis stomach felt unsettled. He knew something wasn’t right. He tried to open the door but it was locked. Harry never locked the door.

“I’m fine.” Harry said quietly turning on the shower to block out Louis. “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.” He told himself. 

Louis sighed as he heard the shower turn on - Harry’s subtle way of tuning him out. He sighed and headed back downstairs to where the boys were turning the living room into the perfect place for them to spend the rest of tonight. Liam had managed to even push back their rehearsal time tomorrow by a few hours so staying up late and sleeping in were just what the band needed.

“Where’s H? We’re letting him pick the first movie.” Niall said walking in with a bag of popcorn and a couple of beers.

“Shower.” Louis said taking one.

“No, he’s right here.” Harry said from behind him and about caused him to choke.

“JE-SUS christ. Don’t do that!” He exclaimed turning to look at Harry who, with his hair wet and in his face, suddenly looked 17 again. He’d put on a pair of sweatpants and a jumper and was carrying a beanie that was soon to be on his head if Louis knew his boyfriend well enough looking a bit better than when he’d first woken up.

“Sorry.” He said shrugging as he was tugged over to the couch by Liam who situated him on the sleeper sofa they’d pulled out in preparation to sleep in the living room.

“Mate, you pick the movie.” He said sitting down next to him and pulling a beer from Niall’s hand.

“Um, no, I don’t have to.” He said coughing before Liam remembered that he’d just had a asthma attack and jumped off the couch to grab his inhaler. 

“Here mate. You need to take a few puffs.” 

“Thank you.”

Louis sat next to Harry on the sleeper sofa but waited for Harry to make a move towards him. He wanted nothing more than to cuddle him but they were still, were still whatever they were. They needed to talk but Louis didn’t even know how to approach the situation. He’d forgiven Harry for hitting him, but he still...it wasn’t just something you forgot.

“Could we, can we watch Love Actually?” Harry asked quietly.

“Sure mate.” Niall said jumping up to put it on. He was just happy to be doing something. His mind was reeling from their meeting earlier and if doing something as simple as putting a movie on made Harry feel better, than that was good enough for him.

Zayn watched his bandmates. He hadn’t forgiven Harry for hearing that he’d hit Louis. He couldn’t understand why his bandmates were pretending it didn’t happen. He sat as far from Harry as possible afraid if he was too close he would lose his cool and as angry as he was right now, he knew Harry didn’t need that.

Harry noticed how distant Zayn was to him. Usually, Zayn would be silent but he’d remain close - providing physical comfort. Harry knew this would happen. That they’d start to hate him eventually. He felt tears come to his eyes, but quickly blinked them back. He deserved it. He was absently scratching at his arm when Liam stilled him, “You okay?”

“Fine.” Harry said not looking at Liam. He looked over at Louis and hesitated before scooting back towards him. He felt Louis hold his breath and hesitated before he felt Louis wrap his arms around him so that he was laying ontop of him with his head resting under Louis’ chin.

“This okay?” Louis whispered.

“Mhmm.” Harry said just happy to be close to Louis for the first time in months.


	7. Chapter 7

When Harry woke up it was dark and everyone was asleep.  It was odd being surrounded by his band mates like this again.  They hadn’t had a group sleepover in a while and he felt calm for the first time in months.  He had shifted in his sleep so that he was acting as the little spoon while Louis was curled around him holding tightly.  Almost too tightly.  He tried to wiggle free but Louis just gripped him tighter.

“H?  Go back to sleep.”  He mumbled quietly only half way awake.

“I just need to pee.”  Harry mumbled.

“Mmmm, kay.”  He said kissing the back of Harry’s neck and releasing him from his death grip.  Harry rolled off the couch and barely missed landing on Niall’s head.  He stumbled to his feet and blindly wandered to the guest bathroom not bothering to turn on the lights as he relieved  himself.  His chest had finally loosened up, thankfully, rehearsals would suck tomorrow if he was still tight, and fucking up another rehearsal wasn’t an option.  He needed some water.  As usual.  He was always thirsty it seemed.  He wandered into the kitchen and started fumbling around trying to be quiet which was almost impossible for him.  When he opened the fridge he couldn’t help but notice all the food as his stomach grumbled, but he hadn’t worked out today.  “Getting fat isn’t an option.  You let yourself go over the break, get yourself in check” the words of management echoed in his head.  They were right.  He’d lost focus over the break and he had to get his shit together.  Tour meant lots of pictures, people analyzing his every move and if he looked bad that would make it worse.

“If you’re hungry, you should eat.”  Harry nearly jumped out of skin.

“Jesus Zayn.  Way to be creepy.”  He said turning around and rubbing his elbow that had hit against the fridge when Zayn had nearly given him a heart attack.

“Are you going to eat something?”

“I’m not hungry.  Just looking for a bottle of water.”  

Zayn looked at him for a moment, not letting his gaze drop, Harry looked him back in the eye, “You know that you’re the world’s worst liar yea?”

“I’m not…”

“Cut the shit Harry.  I’m not gullible Niall or blind Louis trying to handle your shit without admitting how fucked up you are.”  Harry stood frozen.  Zayn was blunt, probably the most blunt out of the entire group and when he was ready to confront you, he would do it without sugar coating anything.  

“What are you…”

“Louis told us about LA,”  Zayn said simply, “and he may be willing to accept what you did, but I don’t have to.  If he’s not going to hold you accountable I will.  You hit him.  I don’t care what’s going on in your life, you can’t be excused for doing that.”

“I know.”  Harry whispered.

“Do you?  Because you’re acting like nothing ever happened.  He’s bending over backwards trying to figure out a way to help you deal with whatever the fuck is going on and you hit him?”

“I didn’t…”

“Don’t say you didn’t mean to.  You meant to or you wouldn’t have done it.”  Zayn said walking around the counter and getting in Harry’s face.  Harry held his breath waiting for Zayn to do something.  If Zayn hit him, he’d be okay with it.  He deserved it.

“He also told us about the pills.  I know you’re not a druggie H.  I know that.  So that means you’re taking them because you need them which means you’ve probably been taking them for years, and that right now they aren’t helping.  You think I don’t see you falling apart but I do.  You’ve always managed to pull yourself back together though so I’ve never said anything,” Zayn was the most observant.  He knew things about the boys they didn’t even know about themselves, “but that’s not the case now.”

Harry felt tears welling in his eyes as he tried to push his emotions down.  They guys weren’t supposed to know.

“I’m not going to let you use it as an excuse.  You will not bring down the rest of this band because you can’t admit that you need help.  I’m not going to force it out of you but don’t use us as your punching bag.  We want to help you but if you don’t want our help then don’t take it out on us when shit becomes too much to handle.  Louis doesn’t deserve that.  We don’t deserve that.  Louis may be able to sweep the fact that you hit him under the rug, but I can’t.  I won’t.”  Zayn knew he was being harsh, but this had to be said.  

“Okay.”  Harry whispered.  Afraid to say more.  Not wanting to piss Zayn off anymore.  Zayn thought about saying more, he thought about pulling Harry into a hug and letting him cry as he was close to doing that already but Zayn couldn’t.  Coddling Harry wasn’t the answer.  So he didn’t.  He backed away slowly and returned to the living room leaving Harry standing in the kitchen.

Once Zayn had gone, Harry released a shaky breath and slide down onto the floor of the kitchen panting out a few breaths to keep his tears at bay.  He knew that the guys would eventually get sick of his shit and Zayn was right.  Louis didn’t deserve this.  You don’t deserve him.  His mind told him.  And it was true.  He didn’t deserve him, but he needed him.  The only way to have him was to figure this out.  Figure out how to bottle this up so that it didn’t spill over into the group.  He’d done it before, he could do it again.  He’d just have to try harder.  Up his medication.  Whatever it took to make his bandmates trust him again.

He couldn’t bring them down with him.

* * *

**Manchester**

* * *

 

“OMG guys, the show was awesome - did you see the crowd?!”  Niall was his usual post show high self jumping around and acting like a five year old who ate too much candy.  

“Yea Ni, we saw.” Zayn said laughing.  It had been a tense few weeks but finally getting on stage in front of the fans seemed to have rejuvenated everyone.  They were all at home on stage.  The post show high was evident in all of them as they couldn’t stand still and just wanted to keep...going.  They were on the bus waiting for the all clear to head back to the hotel which usually took some time before Paul could clear the fans and make a safe trip so the guys were just trying to come down from their high without actually doing something.  Usually, he and Louis would chill out with a joint, Liam would call Sophia and do god knows what, Niall would jam with the band and Harry would head to the gym.  Some nights watching a movie would work.  Some nights they were so tired that once they came down they had to be near a bed so they could just fall into it.  Tonight was one of those have to do something else to get some sleep kind of nights.

After their sleepover the boys hadn’t touched on the Harry issue much.  Mostly because he seemed...fine.  He was laughing with them again, being charming when needed and interacting with everyone as he always had.  Everything was getting back on track.  He and Lou weren’t not together but weren’t totally together - still in separate rooms but they were working on it.  Everything seemed eerily okay.

Niall sat next to Zayn and proceeded to bounce his legs.  “I need to go do something.  When are we gonna gooooo?”

“Dude, chill.”  Louis said sitting next to Liam who was also trying to contain his excitement.  Harry looked at his bandmates and gently smiled, he was exhausted, but wouldn’t let them see.  Pretending to be fine, pushing his emotions down day after day was exhausting.  Too much to deal with.  He needed to be alone but until he was he had to hold it in.  He sighed deeply as he sunk into the couch waiting for Paul to give the go ahead so they could leave for the hotel.  He was too tired to head to his paretnsHe told himself to stay awake but was suddenly being nudged by someone gently saying his name.

“H?  Wake up.”  Someone said quietly running their hands through his hair.  Harry decided cuddling into whatever pillow (human or not) was a better idea.  

“Babe, we’re at the hotel, can you wake up?  I swear you can go right back to sleep once we’re inside.”  The gentle voice asked coaxing Harry into full wakefulness.  “Morning sleepy head.”

“What?”

“You fell asleep - didn’t even budge when we took off nor when Niall was bouncing around like a crazy person.  You feeling okay?”

No.  “Yea, just tired.”  Harry responded laying his head on Louis’ shoulder and closing his eyes.

“Nonono, lets get inside okay?”

“Can we just sleep here?  I’m, this is comfortable.”  Harry mumbled not budging.

“What if we make a deal?  You get up and you can sleep with me tonight.”  Louis said quietly.

“What?”  Harry asked.  Confused.  Maybe he was dreaming.  

“You haven’t been sleeping so well, I can tell.”

“No, it’s, I’m okay…”

“Don’t lie to me H.  I know you.  You’ve never been good at sleeping alone.”

“You don’t.  You don’t have to make yourself uncomfortable.”

“Shut up Hazza.  Let’s go inside okay?”  Louis said gently standing and pulling Harry up with him.

“You guys ready?”  Cal asked grabbing their bags knowing that Harry was probably only half way awake and he was hardly graceful fully functioning.  No trips to the hospital were needed tonight.

“Yea mate, what’s the fan situation?”

“Pretty intense so just brace yourself.”  Harry then noticed the roar that was muffled by the closed bus doors but was sure to make the headache he was pretending wasn’t there 100xs worse once stepped outside.  These were the side effects of antidepressants he hated.  It made his job that much worse.  

“Hey, you ready?”  Louis said noticing that Harry was frozen in place.

“What?  Yea.  Sorry.” Harry responded while starting to walk forward.  Cal held them at the door and made sure they were set before opening up and forming a human wall between them and the fans lining the sidewalk leading towards the hotel.

The screaming was almost unbearable, but the one lesson management made sure all the boys understood from day one is that you never disappoint the fans.  Never. Harry forced down a grimace and smiled and waved as he felt Cal pushing him from behind letting him know that there would be no stopping tonight.  Thank god.  Louis was further ahead of him to make it seem like a coincidence that they were  getting off the bus together - the fans would probably still read into it.  They always did.

“Faster H,”  Cal urged from behind him.  The crowd was pushing in so Cal wanted to get them inside before it got out of control, “You’re good, don’t panic, just keep moving.”  He said more gently feeling Harry tense beneath his fingers.  Harry took a deep breath and kept moving.  He hated when the crowds got antsy because then the guards got antsy and that filtered down into the rest of them.  Niall wasn’t the only one in the group who hated big crowds.  

“HARRY!  HARRY!”  The noise from the crowd kept getting louder and louder as the door seemed to get further away.

“Keep walking Harry.”  Cal urged practically pushing him forward.  Louis had already gotten into the hotel and proceeded to pretend to go up to his room.  Management had let Louis know that they weren’t going to be as intense this tour with he and Harry.  They knew the rules and they expected them to follow them.  The guards also knew when to loosen and when to not.  Louis made it clear that Harry needed him this tour so he wasn’t going to let them dictate how he conducted his relationship - no matter how rocky.  

“Where is he?”  Louis asked Paul who was running final check to ensure the boys were good and inside.

“Wasn’t he right behind you…” Paul started just as the doors opened, letting in the screams temporarily as Harry and Cal tumbled in.  Cal practically pushing Harry.

“H..” Louis started.

“Lou.”  Paul warned, reminding him that the fans were still able to see.  Harry looked dazed.  But got himself in order as he moved quickly over to the elevators.

“‘ ‘m okay.”  He said quietly to Lou as they started their way up to the top floor where their rooms were.  

“You sure?” Louis whispered as his phone started ringing.  He pulled it out in case it was one of their families and noticed Zayn’s name flashing across the screen.

“Yea mate?”  He said eyeing Harry closely.

“Hey, where are you guys.  We’re outside of your room.  Harry’s not here either.”

“In the elevator.  Crowd was insane.  What’s up?”

“You guys staying together tonight?”  Zayn asked quietly knowing that Louis had been worried about Harry’s lack of sleep.

“Yea.  Probably.”

“Can we watch a film in your room?  Niall is like.  He says he can’t sleep yet.  Think he just needs to sit still for like 3 min and he’ll be out.  I swear.  I know H needs to sleep so yea...”

“Um.  I don’t…”

“It’s fine.” Harry said overhearing the conversation and knowing that Louis would say no.

“Harry, you should…”

“It’s okay. Have them over.”  He says with a smile as he heads off the elevator towards his room.

“Hey, you’re still coming?  Staying yea?”  Louis asked.

“Yea, I’m just gonna shower real fast in my room.”  The look Louis wasn’t able to mask made it pretty clear that he didn’t believe him.

“10 min.  I swear.”  He said leaning forward before remembering that he and Louis weren’t exactly he and Louis… “I’m sor…” He started while pulling back before Louis cut him off and pulled him back towards him pushing their lips together and running his hand through his hair silently telling him to not apologize.

“Hurry okay?” He said gently before turning and smiling at the sad pathetic look his other band mates were giving him as they sat crowded around his door as if they didn’t have rooms of their own.

“Really lads?”  He asked Zayn since Niall seemed unable to do anything but bounce around and Liam was busy not being bounced on.

“What?  Niall said we had to wait.”  Zayn sighed and put his hands on Niall’s shoulders temporarily stilling him.

“Where’s Harry?  Is he coming?  Can we order food?  I’m starving.”  He asked all at once walking into Louis’ suite after he unlocked it.

“Did he take something or is this what we have to look forward to for the rest of the tour?”  Liam asked.

“I think...this is natural and yes.  It’ll probably last until October…” Zayn said laughing and settling on the couch with the room service menu.  

“Where is Harrrrryyyyyyyy?”  Niall sang flopping next to Zayn and stealing the menu.

“He’s taking a shower you creep.  What do you want to eat?”  Liam asked having figured that was the only logical place for Harry to be.  Louis laughed softly as he sat down next to Liam and put his feet in his lap not caring if they may or may not smell.  

“Why didn’t he go home?”  Zayn asked.  Harry’s parents didn’t live that far, Louis didn’t realize that it was a little odd.

“Dunno.”

“OH, pizza, can we get pizza?  We can get Harry whatever it is he eats.  What does he eat?”  Niall asked no paying attention to anything else.

“Think he was going to go up early tomorrow for the day - I may go with him…”

“You guys are doing better?”

“I don’t know.  We’re not doing worse?”  Louis shrugged.  Just then Harry walked in with wet hair and far too many clothes on - it wasn’t even winter yet.

“Harry!  Want do you want?  We’re getting pizza and fries and nachos and oh, steak!”

“Dude.  We are not getting…” Liam started before Niall started talking to room service because apparently they were getting all of that food.  It wouldn’t go to waste at least.

“You wanna sit over here babe?”  Liam asked noticing Harry using what little energy he probably had trying to figure out where to sit without hurting anyone’s feelings because that was Harry.  Something as simple as sitting to watch a movie involved far too much brain power and decision making.

“Um, you’re already…” He started but Liam didn’t let him finish as he stood up, kicked Zayn awake and crowded Niall on the loveseat leaving Harry and Louis with the larger couch.  Louis knew what Liam was doing.  The larger couch was just big enough so that Harry could lay down and hopefully fall asleep as soon as he had some food in his system.

“Niall, can you order me a salad with chicken and a side of fruit.”  Louis said as Harry maneuvered his way over and sat on the couch before Louis tugged him towards himself so he could lay down.

“You want a _what_?”  Niall asked confused.  Louis just shot him a look at the same time of Zayn.  It was weird.  Louis didn’t eat salad and he never ordered fruit, but Harry did.  

“Oh, yea.  Okay.”  Niall said getting it.  “Harry, do you want anything?”

“Um, no, I’m okay…”  He said already half way asleep.

“You can have some of mine yea?”  Louis asked quietly rubbing his hands through Harry’s wet hair as he watched him fight sleep.

“You’re coming tomorrow right?”  Harry asked quietly.  Watching as Zayn turned on the TV and switched on a movie.

“Of course babe.  Already got your car being dropped off here tomorrow AM bright and early.”

“Oh, thank you.”  

“Of course.  Don’t fall asleep yet though - you need to eat something.”

“Mmmm.”

“You feeling okay?  You’re a bit warm.”  He asked even quieter knowing that Harry hated people knowing he didn’t feel well.

“Yea, I’m okay,”  He whispered, “Just really tired.”

“You sure?  You sound a bit stuffed up.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Okay.  Just relax a bit - Niall will you have some tea sent up too?”  Louis asked as Harry got comfortable and hid his face in Louis’ neck.

“I don’t.”

“Shut it.  I can tell your throat hurts.”

“Okay.  Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.  Just don’t fight me - we have another show tomorrow so I just want to make sure you’re feeling up to it.”

“I will be.”

“Mmmhmm, stop talking so we can be sure.”  Louis said smiling  kissing his temple and nudging down a bit so he could make Harry more comfortable.  He knew that tomorrow would be bad - Harry was obviously getting sick and he never did anything halfway.  


	8. Chapter 8

Louis knew Harry was sick before he even fully opened his eyes.  His breathing was fast and he kept shifting like he couldn’t get comfortable.  Louis sighed and braced himself because he knew that this was going to be a long day and an intense battle of making Harry take it easy.  He gently pushed Harry off him and avoided stepping on Niall’s head as he found his phone to send Paul a quick text.

 

_Code Harry Sick is activated._

 

_Great.  How bad?_  Paul instantly responded.  Louis often wondered if he ever slept because honestly…

 

_Not sure yet.  We’re heading to his parents today so I’ll keep you posted - have the usual ready though._

 

“Lou?”  He heard Liam whisper as to avoid waking the other boys.

 

“Hey Li.  You don’t have to get up yet, it’s early.”

 

“He’s sick yea?”

 

“Definitely.  Just can’t tell how bad yet.”  Louis said starting to throw a few shirts and pants into a bag so he and Harry could head to Holmes Chapel.  “Thinking about just having him sleep on the drive up.  We’ll be back for the show later on though so hopefully some time at home will help?”

 

“Yea, hopefully.  Let me get Niall and Zayn out of here and into their own rooms so you guys can head out.”

 

“You guys are welcome to come along - Anne and Robin would love to see you.”

 

“They’ll see us tonight mate.  You guys go ahead.  You haven’t had 2 min alone since we started.”

 

“Yea, thanks mate.  Thanks a lot.”  Louis said stepping in to hug Liam.  Lets be real, there wouldn’t be a Harry and Louis without the support of their band mates.  There was no denying that.

 

“Li?”  Niall asked stumbling into the bedroom with half opened eyes, “breakfast time?”

 

“No mate, not yet, lets go back to sleep in my room kay?”  Liam said guiding him to the door stopping to pick up Zayn along the way.  Thank god he weighed about as much as a 12 year old.

 

“Safe travels Lou, let me know when you guys are heading back.”  He said at the door closing it behind a stumbling Niall.

 

Louis took a deep breath and finished packing he and Harry’s bag before hearing deep coughs coming from the living room ‘here we go’.

 

“Harry, babe, hey hey now.”  He said sitting behind him and prop him up as he continued coughing trying to catch his breath.

 

“Ouch.”  Harry wheezed as Louis handed him his inhaler so that he could catch his breath a little better.

 

“You okay?”  Louis asked gently rubbing Harry’s chest gently and kissing the back of his neck.

 

“Mmm.”  Harry said roughly leaning back.

 

“That’s not really an answer love.”  He said as Paul walked into their room giving Louis a sympathetic look.  He could already tell that Harry was sick.  And nothing was worse than a sick Harry Styles.

 

“Thanks Paul.”  Louis said quietly nodding his head towards their bag so he could put the meds in there.

 

“No big - when you guys heading out?”

 

“Here in a few, you awake?”

 

“Yea.  Gonna take a shower than we can go.”  He said with a raspy voice.  Standing but hanging onto Louis’ shoulders as a dizzy spell passed.

 

“Hey, H…” Paul said concerned.  It would be a lie if he didn’t admit how worried he was about Harry’s weight.  It was low.  He was sick.  All of this as was receipe for disaster.

 

“I’m fine.  I’m fine.”  He mumbled shuffling towards the bathroom and closing the door.

 

“Lou.”  

 

“I know.”  He sighed rubbing his eyes and throwing on his hoodie.

 

“We can’t just keep ignoring it.”  

 

“I know.”

 

“He can’t finish this tour like…”

 

“Paul.  I know.”

 

“We’re going to have to put regulations back on him until he gets it under control.  I don’t want to do it, but it’s the only way…”

 

“Paul…”

 

“Lou, I have to pull rank here.  He’s not doing it alone so we’ll have to make him.  I’m also getting his therapist back on the road if anything to make sure he’s taking his medication correctly.”  Paul said quietly.

 

“You.  You knew about them?”

 

“Of course I did Lou, I know everything about all of you.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell us?!”

 

“Tell you what?”  Harry said coming out of the shower looking a bit more alive than when he went in.

 

“Nothing.”  Paul says eyeing Louis letting him know that he’ll explain later.

 

“Okay then.”  Harry says eyeing them suspiciously while pulling on his Packers hoodie and shaking out his hair.

 

“The shower help?” Louis asked zipping up their bags and handing Harry his boots.

 

“Help what?  I’m fine.  Think I’ll wear my Nikes actually.  The black ones.  Do you know where…” Harry started asking before Louis pulled them out of his bag, “Thanks.”

 

“You don’t sound fine.”  Paul said.

 

“Well you need to shave.  We all have our faults.”  Harry smiled.

 

“It’s a good thing your life dream isn’t to be a stand up comedian H.  You guys ready?  Cars in the garage, but I’ll walk you down just to make sure and then I need to make sure Liam hasn’t done anything stupid.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I dunno.  He’s always up to something these days.”  

 

“Riiight.  Okay, I’m ready,” Harry started before he started coughing.  Lou looked at Paul and sighed knowing that he was about to pull serious rank, “I’m fine.  I’m fine.”  Harry said when the fit had ended and he saw the look on Paul’s face.

 

“Take the meds, rest today, when you guys get back we’ll have a doc handy to give you a B12.  And Harry?”

 

“Yea?”

 

“If you don’t eat today, you don’t perform.  I don’t want to hear your excuses.  Group dinner will happen and if you fight me I will pull you from this show.”

 

“Paul…” Lou tried to interfere.

 

“End of story,”  Paul left no room for argument as Harry quietly nodded his head, “Lets go.”

 

The two boys followed him out of the hotel room, Louis carrying their bag for the day and placing a hand on Harry’s lower back.  They were lucky that it was so early and most fans had headed home until later in the afternoon so they were able to get in the car and on the road with no issues.  The drive wasn’t long but it felt like it was.  Harry sat quietly, occasionally coughing, sneezing…

 

“Babe, will you just take something?”

 

“No, I’m okay…”

 

“Harry, please just take something damn it.  Why do we have to do this every single time?!”  Louis yelled losing his patience.  He heard Harry inhale sharply and instantly felt bad for yelling.

 

“Harry…”

 

“Sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll take something.  Sorry.”  A sick Harry was more sensitive than normal.

 

“No, hey, sorry I yelled.”  Louis said pulling up to Harry’s parents house and turning off the car turning to look at Harry.  “You’re just - you’ve got to take care of yourself.  We’re early in the tour still and you’re already getting this sick.”

 

“I know.  I’m sorry.”  He whispered struggling to open the Dayquil Paul had packed.

 

“Here, let me.”  He said taking the medicine out of Harry’s slightly shaky hands.  “Here.” said handing Harry the medicine and some water, seeing Harry’s mom opening the front door making her way over to them.  He’d sent her a text earlier warning her that Harry was sick.  If he wouldn’t listen to Louis, he’d listen to his mom.

 

“Hi boys.”  She said opening the door smiling.

 

“Hi Mum.”  Both boys said practically in unison.  

 

“Well come on, come on.  Let me see you both!”  She exclaimed pulling Harry out of the car and into her arms as Louis laughed and got out to grab their bag.  

 

“Muuum.”  Harry moaned.

 

“Shut up.  I haven’t seen you in weeks - are you taller?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you sure?” She laughed turning them towards the house.

 

“I don’t think I have…” Louis laughed.  “Mum, he has.  Barely fits in doorways anymore.”  He said walking on her other side sighing as she pulled him into her giving him a gentle smile.

 

“Robin and Gem are inside arguing about the validity of a thing that I stopped paying attention to so, dear, can you be your usual charming self and make them stop?”

 

“Yea, okay.”  Harry mumbled before he sneezed loudly, “Sorry.”

 

“I’ll make you some tea.”

 

“I’m…” Harry started before noticing Louis’ glare, “I mean, sure.”

 

The three walked in and heard the friendly banter between Gem and Robin, “You have got to be kidding me - you don’t actually think…”

 

“Oh hey guys.”  Harry said stopping Gemma mid sentence.

 

“It’s my favorite brother!”  She yelled distracted turning to pull Louis into a hug.

 

“Heeeeeeeyyyy.”  Harry whined as Robin pulled Harry into a hug laughing.

 

“You know she’s just kidding.”

 

“No I’m not.”  Gemma said with a straight face.

 

“Well, I am the better half in this relationship.  I’ve been trying to ease you into that realization babe.”  Louis smirked.

 

“I hate both of you.”  He grumbled before coughing deep into his chest and Louis couldn’t prevent the flash of concern on his face.

 

“Uh oh, someone’s sick…” Robin said glancing at Louis.

 

“I’m just...I’m okay.”  He responded flopping on the couch and curling into his usual position that screamed ‘leave me alone’.  

 

“Budge up H, drink this, take this and stop pretending that you’re fine.”  His mum really was a no nonsense kind of woman when it came to a sick Harry, and the only person Harry never tried to fight.

 

“Thanks Mum.”  He said letting her sit beside him and then laying in her lap after he’d done as told as she carded her fingers through his hair.  Louis sighed in relief.  This was exactly what the needed.  They’d have to get back for their show that night but until then, resting and laughing with Harry’s parents and sister was exactly what they needed.  He smiled and relaxed himself as Robin handed him a tea and they all fell into an easy conversation while Harry drifted to sleep.

 

This was enough for now.  They’d deal with sick Harry later.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

The time spent at Harry’s parents house was relaxing.  A few cousins dropped by, Harry was able to be Harry the 20 year old and not Harry the international pop star for a few hours, and Louis could tell it helped.  He just wished it could last longer than an afternoon.

“Hey love.”  He heard Anne sigh from the doorway.  Louis had taken a few minutes upstairs in Harry’s room just to mentally prepare for the drive back to Manchester and the battle he was sure to face with getting Harry ready to perform.  While he’d relaxed for most of the day, he was still coughing and was running a fever.  Louis didn’t need a thermometer to know that - Harry’s eyes always glazed over and were more seagreen when he had a fever.  Louis was an expert in Harry - no doctor needed.

“Hi Mum.”  He said easily as she sat down next to him on the bed and pulled him into her side.  

“You okay?”  She asked gently.

“Not really.”

“Want to talk?  Paul said you may...need to?”

“Paul huh?  He’s just more into the know than I thought.”

“Yea, he called to warn me about not only Harry but you as well doll.  Saying you may need some answers for a few things.”

“Do you know as well?  About the pills?”  Louis asked looking her in the eye, hurt that he had never been let into this not so secret part of Harry’s life before.

Anne sighed before standing from the bed and picking up a picture of Harry from before Louis had known him and smiling gently, “Harry was always an emotional person, even as a baby.  Doctors told me he was over sensitive which is why he could never sleep,” she turned and smiled at Louis, “he didn’t want to miss out on anything.”

“Some things never change.”  Louis said softly.

“It also meant that he felt everything.  To a point where killing a bug made him cry.  Someone else getting hurt made him hurt.  We always kind of let the emotions run their course.  Thinking that he was just sensitive and it wasn’t anything to be overly concerned about.  He’d grow out of it, and if he didn’t, it made him who he was - it made him Harry.  There wasn’t a need to worry about it,” She paused and took a deep breath, “until it was.  He was about 12 when we realized it wasn’t good, it wasn’t healthy.  After his dad and I divorced he got worse - he always tried to be strong, but he couldn’t pretend.  When his dad moved out something in Harry changed.  Instead of showing his emotions, he hid them, instead of talking to us he remained silent.  I personally think it was my fault,” She said with tears in her eyes, “I was such a mess and instead of Harry coming to me, he thought it was best to keep it to himself.  Gemma used to tell me she was concerned, but every time I asked Harry he said he was fine.”

“But he wasn’t.”

“Not at all.  But he got really good at pretending.  Acting.  Hiding.  Instead of coming to us with his problems, he started,” She took a deep breath, “taking them out on himself.  It took us, a long time to see it.  He’d have days where hiding it become impossible, where he was withdrawn and quiet.  Gemma, Gemma noticed first and kept trying...she kept insisting we get him help, someone to talk to but I was just too…”

“It wasn’t your fault Mum.”

“I know, I know, but it’s hard admitting that you’ve missed something with your own child.  That you were...too hopeful that he’d pull himself out of his funk.  He was growing, I never thought that him being tall and skinny was an issue, but he wasn’t eating.  And Gemma...Gemma walked in on him one night after we had a fight about him not eating, and he was, he was cutting himself.  I couldn’t, we didn’t know what to do.  We got him into counseling but he wouldn’t talk.  He wouldn’t let us in - wouldn’t open up.  He wouldn’t eat.  He cried himself to sleep.  The panic attacks started after that, the stress of feeling like he was a burden but also that he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t make himself feel better.  That was all he kept saying, that he couldn’t figure out how to fix himself and that he was sorry.  Whenever he was having a bad attack he just, over and over again would apologize.  Say that he wasn’t worth it.  Over and _over_.”

She looked at Louis with tears streaming down her face, he was also crying, not ever thinking that Harry’s childhood had been like this, he always talked about it like it was fine, not ideal, but fine.  Even when Louis’ parents divorced, he told him that it would be fine when the entire time, he was broken up still about his own parents divorcing.    

“Then he, there was a day when it was just really bad.  He and I were, I got so frustrated with him.  With myself. I should have sensed it, but...he tried to kill himself.  He, they’re probably faded by now and you may not have ever noticed but he slit his wrists.  Gemma walked in on him.  Saved his life.  But we knew that, we couldn’t help him on his own.  We put him in an inpatient facility for 6 months, that’s where we met Robin,” She said smiling, Louis had always thought they met by chance, but apparently not, “he was Harry’s main psychologist.  He got him on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and for some reason Harry trusted him.  Confided in him.  He was diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety, and anorexia.  When he came home, it was a daily struggle, Robin warned us that the transition from in to out was going to be rough.  And it was.  Rougher than it should have been.  He was on a strict diet, he cried almost everyday, the panic attacks were still there but he was trying.  He was working so hard.  Robin helped, we didn’t, we fell in love by accident.  Harry had a really bad night, Robin came over to calm him down, give him a sedative and we just...anyway.  Robin was around more and he helped.  Got Harry to funnel his energy into something else other than his own thoughts.”

“Writing.”

“Yea,” Anne said smiling, “he started writing and when they announced open auditions for the X-Factor, he was doing so well.  He was back on track.  Eating on his own.  Sure he had bad days but he started telling us, he’d say, “Mum, today’s a really bad day” and I’d keep him home, watch movies and just let him not be alone.  So when they announced the auditions and Robin thought it was a good idea we went ahead and let him go.  I didn’t think, in my wildest dreams, that he’d make it...that you boys would become what you are today.  We were prepared to deal with him getting rejected initially but for all of this,” She said waving her arms around, “there wasn’t a plan.  There, we didn’t know how to prepare him for all of this, but he said he was okay.  That he could handle it and he did for a little while.  In the beginning.  He had you guys but he was bottling again.  Not dealing.  Robin noticed, after TMH that he wasn’t so good.  The 5 days after that tour ended and Harry spent “ _sleeping_ ” were awful, it was like his first days after outpatient all over again.”

“He never…”

“He wouldn’t.  He won’t.  He never wanted you to know which is why I’m telling  you.”

“What do you mean?”

“He can’t tell me that he’s having a bad day - I’m not there, I’m not with him.  You are.  He needs to lean on you boys more, he needs to know that his support system goes beyond me, Robin, and Gemma.”

“But, he won’t talk to me.”  Louis said in a choked voice.

“Lou, listen to me,” Anne said lifting his eyes to hers, “He isn’t doing it to hurt you or because he doesn’t want to talk to you.  I can’t explain it to you, but he will open up and he’s doing it in his own way.  He’s, the way he’s been acting,” Lou’s eyes turned to shock, “Yea love, I know.  I know and he knows that it’s not right and that he’s pushing you away but this is what he does.  How he reacts when he’s feeling overwhelmed.  It’s why he’s been distancing himself from you and the boys, it’s how he tries to protect himself - Robin thinks that it has something to do with his Dad leaving.  I don’t think Harry, in the moment, realizes that he’s actually doing it.  He gets it after but he doesn’t know how to say sorry, the fear of being rejected keeps him from reacting in a healthy way.  He pushes.  He’s pushing you, the boys.  He wants to let you in he’s just afraid Lou.”

“How do I pretend like I don’t know all of this?”

“You don’t.  Let him know I told you - he knows I’m talking with you.  I don’t, I don’t want him to feel ganged up, I don’t want him to be surprised when you ask him about it…”

“I should tell him that I know?”  

“Yes, and I, he wants, he wants to tell the boys too but he can’t do it alone.”

“What if I’m not strong enough for him.”  Lou whispered starting to cry again.

“You are Lou,” Anne whispered, “You’re already being strong for him, now you just know why.  You need to know.”

“I can’t lose him.”

“I know and you won’t love.  You won’t.”  Anne said crying again and pulling Louis into a hug passing on her learned strength the only way she knew how.

“The meds...how, what, how do I…” Lou said panicking, he had no idea how to deal with this.

“Lou, love, breath, he’s not so bad with his pills.  Paul’s been helping with you guys on the road.”

“How did Paul know?”

“He recognized the signs early.  After, after red and black, Harry had a breakdown while you boys went out.  Worst panic attack he’s had in a while, he’d been, Paul walked in and noticed Harry had been hurting himself.  He called me.  Flew me in the next day and we all had a chat - someone on the road needed to know.  Had to understand so they could notice the signs.  Help him when, when he needed.”

“Why didn’t you guys tell us?”

“Harry wasn’t ready love.  He wasn’t ready to see in your eyes what he saw in ours.”

“What do you mean?”

“Harry always says that he can tell when we’re ‘measuring him’, trying to gauge when it’s a bad day and to be honest, I know that I do that and you will too now.  He’ll know and he’ll understand.  He has bad days Lou, really bad days.  Days where he can’t breath or figure out how to function.  Days where all he wants to do is sleep.  He’ll let you see those days now, he’ll need you to keep him moving.  To love him.  To support him.  You can’t fix him love, don’t try to fix him.  Harry can only fix himself but he needs our help getting there.”

“Yea.  Okay.  Okay, I can do this.”

“Of course you can, you’re his pillar, the reason he smiles.”

“How do I help with the bad days, the bad moments?  How do I do it?”

“You don’t let him give up.  When he won’t eat, you make him, when he won’t talk you force him, when he’s crying and breaking down you hold him.  He’ll let you know what he needs.  It won’t come out in words; so pay attention to the signals.”

Lou took a deep breath.  He knew this was bad, but he didn’t know it was this bad.  He didn’t know…

“Louis, talk to me.”

“I’m scared.”

“It’s okay to be scared.  I’m still scared.  I could hardly sleep when he started out on the road.  I saw him getting worse and worse during TMH and there was nothing I could do.  It’s okay to be afraid for him, to be scared that you won’t know how to help him.  I trust you with his life love and he does to.  You’ll know what to do and when you don’t, I’m here.  Robin’s here.  Gemma’s here.  Pauls and the boys will be here.  You’re not alone and neither is he.”

Lou gently smiled at Anne and burrowed into her shoulder.  She laughed lightly and stroked his hair.  Louis was perfect for her son, he was the strength he needed and she could be Lou’s now.  Watch from afar.  Her son had someone to love him like she had Robin.  He’d be okay.

“Thank you for telling me Mum.  I thought, I thought he was…”

“Never love.  He loves you.  He lives for you.”

“I know.”

The two sat there for a bit longer before Lou’s alarm clock went off signaling the time that he and Harry needed to get on the road.  He picked it up and noticed a few texts from Liam.

* * *

 

**_Hey man, canceled sound check to give you and H some more time._ **

_**Thanks dude, really appreciated it.**_  He responded.

_**Don’t thank me asshat.  Take care of our boy.** _

_**Always**_.

* * *

 

“Liam?”

“Yea, they cancelled rehearsal.”

“That’s nice - you boys gonna hang around for a bit?”

“No, um, I think, maybe we should head out.  Take the scenic route.  Talk...away from everyone.”

“Okay love.  We’ll see you tonight yea?”

Lou smiled, it was time for he and Harry to talk.


	10. Chapter 10

Louis wandered downstair and was surprised to hear it so quiet.  Usually, when Harry’s cousins were around, Harry reverted back to his 10 year old self - loud and all over the place, demanding to be the center of attention.  But now, the only sound coming from the living room was the quiet noise of some documentary about fish or maybe bears? Louis didn’t know, could be either.

 

“Hey.”  He said quietly not wanting to disrupt whatever the purpose for the quiet was.

 

“Oh hey Lou, he conked out on us about 45 min. ago, figured we should let him sleep.”  Joe said nodding over to Harry who was curled up, as usual, on the corner of the couch in in sweats and a sweatshirt.

 

“Thanks guys, he’s pretty under the weather.”  Lou sighed sitting next to Harry and rubbing his back trying to wake him gently.  “Hey babe, can you wake up for me?”  He whispered.

 

Harry didn’t respond with more than a sigh as he burrowed deeper into the pillow.

 

“I guess that’s a no?” Lou laughed gently.  “Come on babe, duty calls - the fangirls need you and your long locks to make them swoon.  You know how sad you would be if you missed a chance to make them swoon.”

 

Harry cracked one eye opened, looked at Louis, smiled, and rotated himself so his head was in Louis’ lap.

 

“Well, I suppose that could be defined as progress.”  Louis mumbled massaging Harry’s scalp while also feeling how bad his fever was.  It was high but not dangerously so.

 

“We have to leave now?”  Harry asked whining.  Sick Harry was the whiniest Harry.

 

“Yea babe, duty is a calling and Liam will kill us if we’re late.  We haven’t gotten rid of that side of him.”

 

“But I don’t want to go.”  Louis gave Harry a confused face because he always wanted to go to perform, it was the one thing that he never complained about.

 

“You don’t?  You always want to go perform.”

 

“But,” Harry took a shaky breath before sitting up slowly, “Okay, sorry, lets go.”

 

“Babe…”

 

“No, I’m fine.  Sorry.  Let me just go tell Mum bye okay?  Are they riding with us?”

 

“No, separately.  I want to make a stop.”

 

“Oh.  Um, okay.  Did I do something?”

 

“Of course not love.”  Harry looked at Louis with doubt in his eyes and Louis tried his best to ensure him that everything was fine.  He didn’t want to have this conversation here with so many people nor at the venue with all the guys - he knew they needed to know what was going on but not until he’d talked to Harry 1-on-1.  

 

The boys packed up the car and said their temporary goodbyes to Harry’s family-most of them were coming to the show later so it wasn’t goodbye forever.  As Louis drove, he reached over for Harry’s hand and caressed it with his thumb gently to make sure Harry knew that he wasn’t mad.  He could feel the anxiety rolling off Harry in waves and had a moment where he wondered if he’d need to take something but realized that Harry knew what to do - he hoped.

 

“Lou?”  Harry asked when Louis pulled over and turned down a path way leading to area full of trees.

 

“Yea babe?”

 

“Where, where are we going?”  Harry’s voice was raspy - Lou didn’t know how he was going to sing tonight.

 

“Take this,” he said handing Harry a throat lozenge, “I just want to go somewhere and talk for a bit before we get to the venue.”

 

“I don’t know what I did…” Harry whispered.

 

“Nothing babe.  Please don’t.  Don’t cry okay it’s nothing like that.”  Louis said gently stopping the car on the edge of a clearing and turning it off.  He looked over at Harry and noticed tears streaming down his face as he bit his lower lip.  Louis could see him wracking his brain trying to figure it out.  Louis quickly got out of the car and jogged around the the passenger side, opening the door, and pulling Harry towards him.  “Baby, I promise you I’m not mad okay.  I’m not.  Will you come sit with me?  Hm?”

 

Harry breathing had picked up as he tried to calm himself down.  God he felt like shit.  And Louis was mad at him.  And he was _scared_.

 

“Come on H.  Come with me.”  Louis said pulling Harry out of the car and walking over to one of the huge trees with plenty of shade so that Harry wouldn’t get too hot.  He sat down on the ground and pulled Harry ontop of him.  Yes, Harry may have appeared larger but he was all long limbs and with his recent lack of eating, he weighed next to nothing and that didn’t lessen Louis’ worries anymore.  He sighed quietly and gave Harry a gentle smile while he caressed his cheek and tried to ease his anxiety.  Louis wanted to have this conversation but he wanted Harry to know it wasn’t him being angry.

 

“I love you.”  Louis said quietly brushing Harry’s hair back and out of his face.  He usually had it tied up but he was sick and when he was sick his hair was the last of his worries.

 

“I love you too.  I’m sorry.”  He said with a whimper.

 

“Don’t be sorry love.  I’m not mad at you.  I’m honestly not.  How are you feeling.”  Harry’s eyes were still feverish and his throat was clearly hurting.

 

“I’m...I don’t know how to answer.”  He said clearly frustrated as he coughed deeply.  Louis rubbed his lower back and pulled him even closer.

 

“What do you mean love?”  

 

“I don’t.  You’re mad and I don’t know what the right answer is.”  He was tearing up again.

 

“There isn’t a right answer love.  I just want you to be honest with me.”

 

“I can perform.”

 

“I don’t care about the show if it means you getting sicker.  The show isn’t my priority.  You are.”

 

“I.  I don’t know.  I’ll be okay.”

 

“Harry,”  Louis sighed deeply preparing himself and not knowing how to start this conversation, “I.  I’ve been worried about you for a while now.”

 

“You shouldn’t…”

 

“No, let me talk for a sec okay?”  Louis asked smiling and kissing Harry on the forehead, “Our fight in LA was bad, but that wasn’t the first time I’ve been concerned about you.  You aren’t eating, I can tell that you’ve hardly been sleeping, and you’re trying so hard to be okay that it’s killing you.  I see it.  The boys see it.  And we’re all worried. We’ve all been so worried,” he took a deep breath, “and after I found the pills I got more worried.  Scared.  I wasn’t sure what you’d gotten into, I didn’t know what was going on.  You weren’t you baby and it was scaring me,” he’d started crying as he kept eye contact with Harry who was also crying, “You wouldn’t talk to me.  We’ve never not been able to talk to each other about things.  We’ve always been able to have a conversation and to talk about everything and we weren’t.  I miss my best friend.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Shhh, I know you are.  I know.  Take a breath, it’s okay.”

 

“I don’t.  I’m not.”

 

“I talked to your mom today Harry.”  Louis held his breath as he felt Harry tense beneath his fingers.  He didn’t let him go though, holding on tighter as Harry tried to remove himself from his lap, “No baby, no.  We have to talk about this.”

 

“No, no, nonono you aren’t supposed to know.”  Harry whispered brokenly.

 

“I had to baby.  I had to.  You were falling apart and I was so scared.  Please, please look at me.”

 

“No.  I can’t.”

 

“Yes, you can.  I’m not mad at you Harry.  I’m not mad.  I want to help you.”

 

“You can’t help me!”  Harry yelled shocking Louis for a split second which was enough time for Harry to break out his grasp and move away from Louis.  He had tears streaming down his face and his breathing was coming out in short little pants.

 

“Harry.”

 

“No, no Lou.  I can’t, this isn’t.  I’m fine.”

 

“Harry, you’re not fine.  You’re not.  And it’s okay to not be fine but you have to let us, let ME help you.”

 

“Why did she tell you?”  Harry whispered.

 

“Because love.  You need more than just your family.  You’re never home and she can’t be there for you like we can.  Like I can.”

 

“I didn’t want you to know.”

 

“Why, can you tell me why love?”

 

“I have to be perfect for you.  Now you know I'm not perfect.”  He whimpered.  

 

“Harry, what do you mean?  No one is perfect baby, no one.”

 

Harry didn’t respond.  Instead he pulled his knees to his chest and tucked his face into them crying so hard that Louis was afraid he’d need his inhaler which was all the way in the car.  He hesitated crawling over to him but couldn’t not do something.  This was what Anne was talking about.  “Harry, please let me hold you.  Please.”

 

“No, no, you.  No.”  He said into his knees, breathing getting worse.

 

Louis couldn’t sit by and watch, “Please Harry.  Please tell me what to do.  Is it, do you need your inhaler?  Please.”  Louis begged pulling Harry back onto his lap ignoring his attempts at getting away. “Please Harry.  Please.  I’m here, I’m right here.  I want to be here.  Please talk to me.”

 

Harry continued to cry into Louis’ neck, hardly taking in a deep breath and Louis, as much as he wanted to help, didn’t know what to do.

 

“Is it your asthma Harry, do you need your inhaler?”

 

“Not, not, no, not…”  Harry tried to explain but couldn’t.

 

“Panic attack?  Is it a panic attack?”  Louis whispered quietly making Harry cry more because Louis wasn’t supposed to know, “Shhhh, it’s okay baby please.  You’re okay.  Tell me what to do, tell me how to help.”

 

“Talk, talk to me.  Talk to me.”

 

“Okay, okay babe.  I’m here, I’m here for you, the boys are here for you, your mom and your dad and your sister are here for you.  We love you.  So so much, we love you to the moon and back.  Remember when we first met?  Remember?  Hmm, all those years ago?  I had no clue what this would become, I had no idea how important to me you’d be,” Louis said gently, rocking Harry, “I had no idea how much you would change my world.  My world was so small before you, so predictable.  Everyday is special with you baby. Everything you do, everything you say, you are the best person I know.  So loving, even when you feel like shit.  You care about everyone so much that you forget about yourself and I love you for that.  For caring so much,” Harry finally managed to take a deep shuddering breath so Louis kept talking, “I’m a better person because of you love.  We all are. For knowing you.  For being around you.  We all are better people for it.”  Harry gripped Louis’ shirt tightly and Louis continued to whisper sweet nothings into his ear, “I love you so so much.  So much Harry.  I love you.”

 

The two sat in the clearing for another 30 min.  Not saying anything.  Just being quiet together as Harry got his breathing back under control.  Hands trembling and body radiating heat - this hadn’t helped his fever, but this had to happen.  Louis phone chimed indicating that they needed to get back on the road to make it to the stadium on time.

 

“We gotta go baby.”

 

“Don’t tell them, please don’t tell them.”

 

“I won’t, not now, but they need to know Harry.  They need to be there if I can’t.”

 

“I’m so sorry.”  Louis winced at how raspy his throat sounded and gently rubbed his back.

 

“I’m not mad at you.  There’s nothing to be sorry for okay?”  Harry closed his eyes and sighed deeply not believing Louis but shutting him out.  Louis knew he was done talking.  He gently whipped the rest of his tears off of Harry’s face and kissed his forehead gently.  “We gotta go love.”

 

“Okay.”  Harry sighed quietly, standing slowly.  Louis quickly got up and gripped his hips as he noticed Harry swaying.

 

“You good.”

 

“Mmmm, just dizzy.  I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t apologize.”

 

“I’m sorry.  Shit.  I mean.  I don’t.”

 

“Stop love.  It’s okay.  Come on.”  He guided Harry to the car and put him in the passenger seat.  He took a deep breath before forcing Harry to look him in the eye. “Do you need a pill love.”

 

Harry’s eyes teared up again as he realized that Louis knew everything, but he couldn’t deny that he wouldn’t be able to go on stage tonight without one “Yes.”  He whispered, shame showing in his eyes.

 

“Okay, okay,”  Louis sighed pulling one from his pocket.  Anne had given him a couple knowing that he may need one with this conversation.  She said Paul kept most of them on hand only giving Harry  few, just in case.  After Red and Black there had been an incident that Louis needed to ask Harry about, but not now,  “Thank you for being honest with me.”

 

“I don’t like them.”  Harry whispered as Louis got in the car and started it up.

 

“Why not?”  Louis asked after Harry had swallowed the pill.

 

“They make me spacey.  I can’t focus on anything.  My thoughts don’t make any sense.  I don’t like taking them during the day.”  Louis thought back to the numerous interviews they’d had over the past few years, especially the recent ones where Harry was practically silent.  Some would say it was disinterest but now...Louis understood.  

 

“It’s okay love.  You’ll be fine by showtime.”

 

“I know.”  Harry sighed turning to the window and closing his eyes.  Louis sighed, and pulled the car onto the road back towards Manchester.  They hadn’t even brushed on the performance tonight.  Louis still had a battle on his hands.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning.

Louis sighed deeply as he watched Harry sleep.  The anxiety pill hadn’t fully worn off, but Louis also knew that Harry hadn’t been sleeping all that well.  Combined with being sick...this night was going to be a disaster.  They’d arrived at the arena, done a quick soundcheck and the entire time, Paul was shaking his head thinking what everyone else was.  Harry shouldn’t go on tonight and if he did, he shouldn’t sing.  He didn’t sound bad but his voice was going.  And going fast.  

“Lou?”  Anne whispered walking into the dressing room trying not to wake Harry.

“Hey Mum.  Robin.”  

“How’s the stubborn one?”

“He’s convinced he can go on - we’re preparing for the worst.  Already assigned people to sing for him, but he won’t just…”

“I know.”

“It’s frustrating.”

“I know,”  Anne said gently running her hands through Harry’s hair and smiling gently at Louis.  Her son was lucky, so lucky to find Louis Tomlinson.  The world had no idea how special these two were.  

“We talked.”

“I figured - you were always protective but I’m getting a more intense level of that from you right now.”

“I’m just worried.  I just want to keep him away from everyone.”

“You can’t.”

“I know just.  I know.”  

They were interrupted by Harry turning over and coughing deep in his chest which, of course, woke him up.  

“Baby.”  Anne sighed.  Her son was the most stubborn individual she’d ever met.  He took taking after his father and mother to an entirely different extreme.

“I’m okay.”  He sighed laying his head back in Louis’ lap and closing his eyes.

“Ya know Popstar, you’re full of shit.”  Liam said coming into the room and sitting in front of Harry’s face.

“You’re a Popstar too, you can’t just call me that…”

“You’re a bigger Popstar.”  Liam said in a whiny voice trying to make Harry smile.  It worked.  Louis gave him a look of appreciation.

“That’s impossible.  We’re in the same band.”

“Yea...I think there’s tons a screaming girls outside that would strongly disagree with that statement.”

“Mmmm okay.”  Harry said getting tired from just talking.  He was just really tired.

“Boys.  How about we make this easy today okay?  No fighting.  No golf cart stealing.  Can we just have dinner, get dressed, and be on time?  Yea?”  Paul asked halfway kidding.  The other half was serious.  He really didn’t want to chase Zayn around the stadium today.  Again.

“Have you boys been being a minic to the team?” Anne asked faking shock.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about.  Angels this lot.  Angels.”  Niall shrugged lifting Harry’s legs and placing them in his lap as he sat on the couch.  No matter how casual the boys appeared, these little touches showed how concerned they were for their band mate.  

“If you say so, alright we’ll let you boys do your dinner.  See you later love.”  Anne said gently running her fingers through Harry’s hair pausing to see if he had a fever.

“Muuuum.  I’m fine.  Stop ‘t.”

“Take some medicine yea?  Eat.  Dinner.”  She said sternly.  Louis understood now why she never joked about Harry’s eating.  She and Paul were and have always been strict when it came to his meals and Louis was starting to understand.

“‘m not hungry.”

“Not an option.  No dinner.  No show.”  Paul said.  The rest of the band hated this.  The fighting with Harry about eating before shows wasn’t new.  It came in spurts.  The beginning of the TMH tour, Harry didn’t fight.  Towards the end it became a daily issue.  And WWA was no different - sometimes Paul was subtle, like he was gently reminding him but whenever Harry fought back, things got intense.  It wasn’t a secret that eating and Harry didn’t go hand and hand.  They never had.  Back in the early days, they chalked it up to nerves with shows because he was fine, is appeared, normally.  As the band had gotten older, the signs that this wasn’t an anxiety thing became more and more apparent.  They just never asked any questions.  Harry was never too skinny where it was a concern so they just let it go.  The boys wouldn’t say Harry had an eating disorder, he just has issues.  When the media was in his face, claiming false truths about him, he lost his appetite.  It was just Harry.  And the boys and Paul tried to be there when it was bad and usually Harry just needed a reminder, a look of concern, the thought of food put back on his mind, but other times he didn’t want to be reminded.  He got angry.  He fought back.  One time Paul had a full on dragging fight with Harry which involved kicking everyone out of the room as Harry broke down at the thought of eating.  It wasn’t always like that, but it could be.  When he was sick, eating was never top of mind for Harry.

“Love, just eat something yea?  Small?  We can share?”  Louis tried.

“No.”

“Harry.”

“I have to go to the bathroom.” Harry whispered getting up faster than Louis could react and locking himself in the bathroom.

Louis sighed and rubbed his face.  He wanted to go in after him but he also didn’t want Harry to feel smothered.  “Lou?  Is everything okay?”  Niall asked.

“No.”

“You gonna fill us in so we can help?”  Liam asked quietly.  

“Let me...let me deal with this first.  We’ll talk though.  Okay?”

The other guys looked at Louis with concern, wanting to help but not sure how without invading into the couples private life.  They may have been close, but they’d learn when to draw the line with the band relationship and Harry/Louis’ relationship.  

“He’s gonna be okay Lou.”  Niall said.  It wasn’t a question.

“I know.  I know.”

* * *

**American Leg of WWA**

 

Waking up in California is always better than London - there aren’t any memories besides Louis and Harry’s friends here and Harry’s able to breath.  Even if for a bit.  Harry was surprised that Louis wasn’t laying beside him, his half of the bed was cold indicating he’d either slept really late or Louis woken up early.  Louis hadn’t really let Harry out of his sight since Manchester.  Harry, like an idiot, only added to his worry by going on stage, fucking up the show, losing his voice, and being sick for another week resulting in one show where he couldn’t even talk and another two where management kindly let him know that he’d disappointed fans, their team, and everyone else that touched One Direction because he’d been less than 100%.  The fans had understood and he really tried to be fine, he jumped, he smiled, and at the end of every show he nearly collapsed into Louis’ arms once they were safely alone worrying Louis into a near panic every night, but management hadn’t let up and hadn’t been shy about letting him know how he was fucking everything up.  On top of that, Helen had put him on this steroids that helped strengthen his vocal cords into falsely feeling fine, but since they didn’t have time to give Harry the few weeks off he actually needed, it was unavoidable.  Of course, these same steroids made him feel and look bloated - something else for management to be up his ass about.

_*Get in shape Styles*_

__

_*Workout more, harder, being sick is no excuse Styles*_

__

_*The fans think you’re pregnant.  That’s embarrassing.*_

__

On and on - everyday.  It was constant and he couldn’t get away from it.  The boys had no idea and he had no intention of telling them, they had enough to worry about.  He knew that Louis had talked to them, everyone actually.  Everyone on the crew was more “careful” around him; asking him constantly if he was okay, making sure he wasn’t too stressed.  It was the one thing he never wanted, he didn’t want everyone around him treating him like he couldn’t handle this life.  He could.  But being okay was exhausting.  Harry sighed quietly and rolled into a ball facing Louis’ side of the bed, he just need a second to gather himself.  Just a…

“Babe?”  He heard Louis whisper from the doorway.  He was facing away from it so Louis couldn’t see his face.  “You awake?”  He asked gently walking over to the bed and crawling in so he was facing Harry.

Harry opened his eyes, licking his lips, and sighing.  “Hi.”  Louis would never get over how beautiful his boy was.

“Hey love.”

Harry moved himself closer as Louis opened his arms encouraging him to cuddle into his chest.  

“Where were you?”  Harry mumbled.

“Just having some tea, talking to mum.”

“How is she, she alright?”

“Yea, excited to come visit.”

“Mmm - you were up early.”

“Yea, couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake you - how are you today?”

Harry knew it wasn’t a general question, they’d gotten into an unspoken habit of Louis asking him this, a way for Harry to let him know if it was a good or bad day so Louis could help.  When they were on tour, that meant maybe cancelling a ridiculous outing or moving rehearsal - Harry had no idea how he did it, but it helped.  Especially on the really bad days.  Harry hadn’t been totally honest with Louis though because if he really knew how many days were bad, Louis wouldn’t know what to do.

“I’m okay today.”

“You need a pill?”

“Yea.”  Harry sighed sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed ready to get up and face the day.  “I’m gonna shower.”

“What do you want for breakfast?”

Harry sighed, the usual second question of the day, “I don’t really care - I’ll just eat whatever you’re eating?”

“Okay love, that’s fine, I’ll be downstairs okay?”

“Mmmkay.”

Harry sighed as he closed the door to the bathroom - he loved Louis, he did, but he was smothering him.  Harry hadn’t had this much attention focused on him like this since he left home and it was weird - he knew that Louis and the boys wanted him to be honest, to talk or whatever, but that wasn’t Harry and it never had been.  Ask every single therapist he’d ever had.

Once he turned on the water and turned to look at himself in the mirror - he hated what he saw.  He hated lying.  He hated making people worry.  He hated being fat.  He hated his hair.  He just.  Today was a really bad day.  His chest was tight with anxiety and he knew that a pill wouldn’t help.  Louis wouldn’t help.  Having a day off wasn’t going to help.  He’d pulled his pants down, grabbed a razor, and sliced his skin before he consciously knew what he was doing.  

“Shit.”  He whispered grabbing a tissue and lowering himself to the ground.  Louis didn’t know this was happening again.  The guys weren’t dumb, the rumors from early in their career about Harry self mutilating were covered up by management, but the guys didn’t let him off so easy.  He had stopped.  He’d been honest with them about relapses since, but Louis hadn’t noticed and Harry hadn’t said anything this time because it was bad and Harry didn’t want to stop.  “Fuck.”  He said as he stepped into the shower - today’s cuts hurt.  He’d be having any sex in the dark for a while - not that Louis was initiating sex and Harry wasn’t pushing.  He got it.  Who’d want to sleep with a fucked up person like himself?

* * *

Louis sighed as he heard the shower turn on upstairs - as much as his body told him to watch Harry like a hawk no matter the situation, he refrained from making him shower with him.  The whole body image issue was another unknown to Louis - he didn’t know what was and wasn’t okay; was it okay to try and have sex with someone on a bad day?  He didn’t want to push Harry so he waited - he’d wait for Harry no matter what.  

“‘ello?”  He heard coming through their front door - he knew it was one of the boys or a mum, no one else could just walk in through the gated community, past the guards, and through the front door without some kind of okay from either Lou or Harry.

“In the kitchen!”  He yelled opening up the fridge to see if there was anything he could cook.  Robin had suggested making Harry food - it was harder for him to turn down someone’s hard work but there was nothing in their fridge.  They were leaving tomorrow so it made sense that the service had just bought barely enough.

“Hey Lou.”  Zayn said walking into the kitchen and joining him in front of the fridge.  “What are we looking at?”  He whispered.

“The emptiness of the fridge.”

“Are you hoping it’ll change if you look hard enough because we’ve already established that doesn’t work.  Remember Japan?  We looked at that minibar for like, 2 hours.”

“Shut up Malik.”  Louis laughed closing the fridge and sighing as he leaned against the counter.

“You gonna offer me a beverage?  Where are your manners Tommo?”

“I reserve those for guests.  You are, by definition, not a guest.  Get your own.”

“So rude.  You want tea?  Where’s Haz?”

“Always.  And in the shower.”

“Cool, figured I’d hang around until the car gets here - Ni and Liam are doing something - shopping.  Said they’d meet here too.  I love that you and Haz think you’re Americans and invested in a house.”

“Harry thinks he’s American.  Even watches their bloody ‘football’.”

“It’s not THAT bad.”

“You watch your mouth.”

“So, breakfast?”

“Oh yea.  Shit.  He has to eat.  Robin said it’s important for him to keep some semblance of a routine until he’s not so...ya know.”

“Okay,” Zayn said, wanting to help, “What can I do?”

“Can you just...he’ll be down soon can you just hang with him?  I’m gonna run to the market and grab some fruit and eggs do you want anything in particular?”

“Fresh squeezed orange juice.”  Zayn said with a completely straight face.

“I don’t know what kind of service you think this household provides, but there’s orange juice with artificial flavoring in the fridge.”

“Geez.  Guy asks what you want and then…”

“Shut it you twat.  I’ll be back.”  Louis laughed.  He loved their friends.

* * *

Zayn made himself at home as they usually did with each other’s personal space.  He heard the shower turn off and silently gave Harry 10 min to get downstairs or Zayn would go up.  As casual as the rest of the band was about everything in front of Louis and Harry, they were worried.  Scared.  Nothing is worse than finding out one of your brothers is falling apart and you didn’t even notice.  

He stood up quickly to make Harry a tea putting his pill in the beverage as Louis had texted him to do once he’d left the house.  It was weird, he felt like he was drugging Harry, but Louis said he knew and that this worked better than Harry swallowing the pill and Zayn wasn’t going to argue.  He saw Harry coming downstairs with some bags  as he was going back into the living room.

“Uh, hello.”  Harry said confused, eyes scanning the room for Louis.

“Hey there.  Lou went to go grab something edible since all you guys have is tea, fake orange juice, and grass.  Haz,”  Zayn turned once he’d sat the tea on the living room table and gotten comfortable on the couch, “why is there grass in your fridge?  It’s not normal and usually, I try not to judge you and Lou because you guys are...strange, but that is new.”

“It’s wheatgrass you idiot.”

“Not a reason.”

“For wheatgrass shots.”

“OMG, you are one of them.”

“One of who?”  Harry asked sitting beside Zayn and grabbing his tea.

“The, these LA’ers who drink things like grass.”

“Shut up.”  Harry said smiling slightly.  Zayn felt like he’d accomplished the impossible.  Harry hadn’t smiled much lately.  He watched Harry to make sure he was drinking his tea and mindlessly turned on the TV.

“You can stop watching me.”  Harry whispered.

“What?”  Zayn asked pretending to be confused.

“I’m drinking it so you don’t have to watch me.”

“I’m…”

“It’s okay, I’m just letting you know.”

Zayn didn’t really have a response so he just turned on the TV to a sappy movie and pulled Harry to him, “Lets just relax okay?”

“Okay.”

It wasn’t long before they heard the front door opening but Zayn looked down and noticed that Harry had fallen asleep.  He also heard multiple voices.

“Zayn!”

“Stop yelling Ni, H just fell asleep.”

“Again?  He just woke up.”  Louis asked concerned.

“Well, Lou, he might as well sleep now before we the American leg gets going - it’s going to be a long few months.”  Liam said sitting on the recliner and stealing the remote.

“Yea, I guess.”  He said wanting to go over and make sure Harry was okay but knew he’d been a bit...much...the past few months.

“Hey Lou, lets go whip up some breakfast yea?”  Zayn said gently getting up from the couch and replacing his lap with a pillow so Harry, hopefully, didn’t wake up.

“He seems to be getting better Lou, you should lighten up a bit.”

“Not possible Z - I’m just worried that he’s not being totally honest with me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just.  I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“Lou…”

“Hey.”  Harry said walking into the kitchen and up to Louis who immediately wrapped him in his arms.

“Hey baby.  You hungry?  I grabbed you some fruit.”

“Mmm, bananas?”

“I swear, you and that fruit.  Here ya monkey.”  He said laughing and handing Harry a banana secretly cheering about the fact he wasn’t forcing him to eat.

“LOU?!  Is breakfast ready?!”

“Niall is a child.  Children must eat every 27 minutes to survive.”  Harry said around his banana as he sat at the counter to watch Louis try to make breakfast.  He knew to stay close, he’d give up eventually and Harry would need to save the day.

“Are you actually cooking?”  Zayn asked terrified.

“What do you mean?  I told you I was getting groceries.”

“Yea, but I thought that was code for picking up McDonalds.  Not that you’d actually get real groceries.”  Harry laughed and grabbed some grapes.  Louis was silently thanking his lucky stars.  

“You guys act like I can’t make eggs or something.”

“Need I remind you about the bus incident of 2014?  I shouldn’t.  It happened like 2 months ago.”

“Hey, no where on the can of soup did it say to take the soup out of the can.  How was I supposed to know it would explode?”

“I don’t even know how to nicely respond to that.”  Zayn said looking at Harry for backup because Louis couldn’t be serious.  

“You can’t.”  Harry said with a shrug.

“Okay, rude one, I’m gonna show you.  One Zayn omelet coming up!”  Louis yelled spinning in a circle looking lost already…

“Babe?”  Harry asked knowingly.

“Yea, yea.  No I just...where do we keep the pans again?”

“Oh my...please Harold just...help him before we have to call the fire department.  Do you even know how to turn on the stove?!”  Niall asked coming into the kitchen and realizing that Louis actually thought he was going to make...anything.

“He’ll never learn if he doesn’t try.”  Harry said pointing to a cabinet and waiting.  Guy didn’t know where anything in this kitchen was.

“Ah, they’ve moved.”  Louis mumbled.

“They haven’t.” Harry shared with Zayn and Niall.  At the same time Liam wandered into the kitchen.

“What is he doing?”  He asked startled staring at the rest of the band.

“Cooking.”  Harry said simply.

“Are you insane?!”  Liam yelled grabbing the pan from Louis’ hand.  Niall started cracking up, like full on falling out of his chair laughing which led to a domino effect of Zayn cracking up, followed by Louis, eventually Liam had to laugh at his own antics, and lastly, Harry.  Harry was laughing.

It was like the past few months had never happened.

**  
If something feels too good to be true, it probably is.**


	12. Chapter 12

“H, Drew wants to see you.”  Paul mentioned casually while checking over the group’s itinerary for their flight to NYC.  The bigger the band got, the more measures they had to take to ensure everyone, mainly the fans, were safe.  This usually meant having the boys travel in waves.  Never letting all five arrive at any one time.

 

“What, what did he want?”  Harry said appearing in front of Paul and making him jump in surprise.

 

“Jesus Harry.  Don’t do that.”

 

“What did he want?”  Harry said again quietly.  Paul had grown accustomed to the various emotions of the boys - Harry had the most especially lately.  Paul couldn’t place this one...it looked like fear but why would Harry be afraid of Drew…

 

“Not sure H,  he’s just down the hall.  Hurry up, you guys have sound check soon.”

 

Harry watched Paul go back to his paper and tried to not look too scared.  The fact that Drew had joined the tour in general was scary enough but Harry had avoided him for the most part.  He looked around for an escape but all the guys, for the first time, were off doing their own thing and had left Harry alone so he could read.  He was alone.

 

“H, now.”  Paul said impatiently.  Harry didn’t want to make him mad.  So he went.  The closer he got to the door, the harder it was to keep his hands from shaking and his breathing under control as he knocked on the door and hoped that Drew had been pulled into another meeting of some sort.

“Get inside.”  Drew said coldly.  

 

Harry stood silently in the middle of the room, not looking up into Drew’s eyes.

 

“Do you think I’m joking with you when I tell you not to do something?”  Drew said pulling Harry by the collar of his shirt so that he was forced to look at him.

 

“I don’t…”

 

“Don’t fucking talk back,”  Drew growled throwing him against the nearest wall and smiling when Harry groaned in pain.  “When I tell you to do something, you do it.  I don’t fucking care how it makes you feel.”

 

“What did I do?”  Harry whispered.

 

“More like what you haven’t done.  When I tell you to lose 10 pounds, you don’t fucking do the opposite you peice of shit.”  He said punching him in the stomach and watching him sink to the ground.

 

“I made this fucking band, and if you don’t shape the fuck up, I will end this fucking band and blame it on you,” He said kicking him, “who do you think planted all the fucking stories about you going solo?  Who do you think the boys will blame if all this ends but you are the only one able to get a record deal?”

 

Harry bit his lip to keep the tears from following as he struggled to catch his breath.  The past few weeks, with Lou watching like a hawk, he hadn’t been able to diet like he should.  He’d gained wait.  He, Louis told him it was okay.  

 

“Sit up you piece of shit.  On your knees.”  Drew whispered unzipping his pants. “You want this band to stay alive, you know what to fucking do.”

 

* * *

 

 

Harry stumbled out of Drew’s office and caught himself on the wall trying to catch his breath and to get himself under control before someone saw.  If they knew, Drew would end all of this,  he’d ruin everything.  Harry couldn’t stop the tears from falling as he quickly walked down the hall so Drew wouldn’t hear him.

 

“Harry, you okay?”  Caroline asked coming around the corner.  Paul had sent her to look for Harry, he was late to soundcheck.  Harry looked at her and tried to answer, he really did.  “Harry?  Love, what’s wrong?”  She asked walking closer to him.   

 

“Can, can you get Louis, please.”  He said as his breathing picked up.

 

“Love what’s wrong?”

 

“Please,  please, please get Louis.”  Harry whimpered sliding down the wall and squeezing his eyes closed and pulling on his hair.  

“Harreh!”  Caroline heard Niall yelling down the hall.

 

“Okay sweetie, hang on.  I’m going to get him.”

 

“Harr - Caroline, what’s wrong?”

 

“Niall, love, get Lou okay?”

 

“Yea, yea, okay.”  He said taking off down the hall.

 

Caroline wasn’t sure what to do - she wasn’t sure what was wrong.

 

“Harry!”  She heard quicker than she expected.  “Caroline what happened?!”   He Louis said rushing in and pulling Harry into his arms trying to get him to calm down.

 

“I don’t know.  I was looking for him and found him in the hallway crying.”

 

“H, love, baby what’s going on?”  He tried to ask but Harry just shook his head and refused to give Louis any clues.  “Okay, okay, lets try to calm down yea?  Take some deep breathes love.”

 

“Why does this keep happening?”  Niall asked Liam and Zayn who had also come when Niall went to grab Louis.  Caroline had left the room and closed the door trying to figure out what could have upset Harry so much.  He seemed okay earlier.  Perfectly fine.

 

“Caroline?  What’s going on?”  Paul asked realizing that all 5 of his charges had wondered off.  He’d thought they could run through sound track without being watched but apparently today was act like you’re five for the boys.

 

“Harry’s having a panic attack, the boys are with him.”  She whispered.

 

“What, why...he was okay earlier.”  Paul said making a move to go inside the dressing room.

 

“No, no leave them.  He has the people that need him...why wasn’t he in soundcheck with the rest of them?”

 

“The other boys were out and about today.  Harry stayed behind to do some reading but I sent him…” Paul paused suddenly a look of anger passing across his usually calm features.  

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing, nothing, will you go check on the boys in a bit, I need to go check on something.”

 

“Paul, what…” Caroline tried but Paul was already down the hall and turning the corner.  Caroline went and grabbed some bottles of water as well as Harry’s pills that she knew Louis kept in his bag before gently knocking on the door.  It was quiet now and Caroline hoped that meant Harry had calmed down.  Liam opened the door and smiled gently, “Thank you Caroline.”

 

“Is he okay?”  She asked seeing that Louis and Harry were now laying facing each other on the oversized couch.  Harry with his head on Louis’ chest and Louis running his hands through Harry’s hair.

 

“Yea, I mean no, but he’s calmed down.  I think...can you find Paul?  Lou thinks we should cancel the show tonight.”

 

“Cancel?”

 

“Lou won’t go on without Harry and we can’t do the show with 3.  We’re willing to take the financial hit.”

 

“I understand love, Paul went to go check on something, I’ll send him your way when he’s done?”

 

“Yes, thank you.  We’re going to get a car, head to the hotel.”

 

“Okay love, you know I’m here.  I let the team know.”

 

* * *

 

Paul walked quickly to the executive offices they’d set up for this tour, he should have noticed this, he should have put the pieces of the puzzle together.

 

“DREW!”  He yelled knowing that he was the only one on site today.

 

“Paul, what is wrong with you screaming like that?!”

 

“What the fuck did you do?”  Paul growled.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“You, what the fuck have you been doing to him?”

 

“Paul, you are way out of line.”

 

“My job is to protect those boys from anything and everything that could bring harm to them, and that includes you.  What the fuck have you been doing and saying to Harry?  He was fine this morning and then I sent him in here with you and he’s suddenly having a panic attack?  What.  Did.  You.  Do?!”

 

“Harry is unstable, you and I both know that.  He had a bad day.  Don’t blame this on me.”

 

“He wasn’t having a bad day until you talked to him.”

 

“You know your jobs already on the line with that Paris incident…”

“That was years ago.”

 

“And you think management has forgotten that you put their most valued possession in that kind of danger.  Do you really?”

 

“This has nothing to do with one incident years ago that was partially your fault.”

 

“My fault?  Really?”

 

“You leaked to the press where he was, you know how he gets with crowds when he’s not prepared.  You told the staff to let him leave.  That was you.”

 

“Paul, do you really think you have more pull with our team than me?  Simon gave me this group to make them the boy band of this generation and if you think for one second they will fire me to keep you here on some make believe idea you have about what I did or didn’t do...you are sadly mistaken.”

 

“If you lay a hand on him…”

 

“I didn’t touch him.  Just because I’m honest with him unlike anyone else doesn’t make me the bad guy.”

 

“Fuck you.”  Paul said turning to leave.

 

“Watch yourself Paul.  We made you as well and we can end you just as easily.”  Paul paused at the door and looked at Drew before checking his phone.

 

“Well, you should prepare yourself because Simon’s  about to call you.”

 

“What do you mean…?”

 

“Boys are canceling the show.  Lets see you lie yourself out of this one.”  He smiled and walked out pausing to gather himself before walking back to the boys dressing room already alerting the buses that they were leaving.  One bus.  Right away.  He would always put these boys first.  Always.

 

* * *

 

Harry didn’t remember much.

 

After telling Caroline to get Louis, he vaguely remembered Louis holding him, getting him to calm down and then he remembered moving.  Someone picked him up and moved him but he didn’t know where.  And now he was waking up in a bed.

 

He had no memory of how he got here.

 

“You awake?”  Louis asked softly.

 

“Where, where are we?”

 

“Hotel, we cancelled the show.”

 

“What?  No, No, we can’t cancel we’ve never cancelled a show.”  Harry yelled getting worked up and trying to get out of the bed but he was too weak and Louis barely had to tighten his grip to get him to stay put.

 

“Love, you couldn’t even walk to the bus.  There’s was no way you could do a show.”

 

“But the fans…”

 

“They are more worried about you than missing the show.  Twitter is blowing up, Niall is trying to assure them that you’re fine but here in a bit, you may want to tweet just so they know.”

 

“You guys could have gone on without me.”  Harry whispered.

 

“I wouldn’t.”  Louis sighed getting up.  Something wasn’t right.

 

“Lou?  What’s...what’s wrong?”

 

“This whole time I thought...it’s nothing, look, I have to go run some errands with Zayn.  I’ll see you later yea?”

 

“Lou?”

 

“You’ll be fine by yourself okay?”  He wouldn’t even look at Harry.  He couldn’t.

 

“What did I do?”

 

Louis paused at the door and took a deep breath, “I think we need some space Harry.  I...I need some space.”

 

Harry felt like his world was falling out from under him.  Lou was leaving, he was leaving him.

 

“No, no, Lou, what...what did I do?”  Harry asked stumbling out of bed after Lou.  He didn’t understand.

 

“Stop it Harry.  I just.  I have to go.”  

 

“Lou, please, please don’t leave me.  Please.”  Harry felt as though his heart was literally breaking.  He felt like he was falling and his safety net was gone.

  
“Harry just.  I’ll see you later.”  And just like that Louis was gone and Harry was alone.  He couldn’t breath.  He couldn’t feel  anything.  It felt like someone had dropped a weight on his chest and he couldn’t get up.  He was drowning.  And he was alone.


	13. Chapter 13

Harry hadn’t moved. He was curled up in the corner of his room and it was dark now. When he woke up it was light but, he couldn’t remember how long he’d been there. He had his knees pulled up tight to his chest and was trying to hold himself together. He was trying to...he was just trying. Louis wouldn’t answer his calls, no one would answer his calls. The other boys were ignoring him and he didn’t know why.

He didn’t know what he’d done to make everyone so mad.

He heard his door unlocking and jumped up, Louis was back.

“Well, well, well, I told you what would happen if you messed with our arrangement Harry.” Drew said with a smirk.

Harry backed himself against the wall, he couldn’t deal with this right now.

“What, what did you do?” Harry whispered.

“Oh, ya know, just told Louis about our deal.”

“We don’t, we don’t have a deal. I don’t…”

“He doesn’t know that does he? What did I tell you Harry?” Drew whispered trapping Harry against the wall and laughing when Harry whimpered in fear, “You had one job and that was to keep your mouth shut. Well, that,” He whispered against Harry’s ear, “and doing what I tell you.” He said putting his hand inside Harry’s pants.

“No.” Harry whimpered, it, he’d never done this.

“I told you if you pushed me, I’d push back Harry. I own you.” He said unzipping his own pants and Harry’s quicker than Harry could process. He couldn’t process any of this. Louis was gone. He was alone. Harry couldn’t handle this.

_*Turn off, zone out, turn off, turn off*_

He hadn’t done this in a long time; let his mind wander somewhere else. To be somewhere else. To escape if just for a little bit. He vaguely felt Drew lift his legs and he felt like he was watching himself scream in pain.

_*Turn off, zone out, turn off, turn off*_

* * *

 

Harry came back to himself a few hours later. He didn’t know when Drew had left, he didn’t know what time it was, all he knew was that it hurt. He hurt. His body was on fire and he hurt. He tried to breath through the pain but the more his mind came back the harder it was to ignore what happened. All he could think about was getting clean, he had to get clean.

He slowly made his way to the bathroom, his body shaking more and more both from cold and shock. Drew had never gone this far before.

Harry crawled into the shower taking a few minutes to breath through the pain before turning on the shower and watching the blood get washed from his body. He felt removed from what was going on. The tears were flowing down his face but he couldn’t feel anything but pain.

Louis was gone. Drew was right. He’d always been right. Harry wasn’t worth it and Louis was gone because Harry was fucked up. He wasn’t worth loving.

* * *

The boys sat quietly.

Each lost in their own thoughts trying to process the day - Harry had been slowly selling them out. Building his own career and willing to dump them when the time was right.

Drew’s story had seemed so crazy but he’d shown them the contracts. He had the proof.

“I can’t believe this.” Zayn said quietly.

“I don’t believe it. Harry wouldn’t do this.” Niall said for the 100th time.

“It makes sense though. It all makes sense. The meetings in LA, all the writing, all the...it makes sense.” Liam rationalized. There were too many unexplained meeting with management. Too many overnight trips to LA.

“Lou?” Zayn asked noticing that he’d been quiet for hours.

“I just left him.” Louis whispered.

“Lou…”

“He was crying and I just left him. He’s alone and I want to be there but I’m so angry.”

“Lou, you can be angry at him. He’s been lying to you.”

Louis sighed and put his head on his bent knees and let a few tears fall. They heard a knock on the door - it sounded like Paddy. Liam got up and walked to the door while the other guys started pulling on their shoes. It was time to put their faces, they had a show to do.

“Where’s Harry?” Paddy asked looking around the room. They hadn’t let him out of their sights for months now.

“He can travel by himself for all I care.” Zayn mumbled grabbing his bag and walking into the hall.  
“Li?”

“It’s probably best if you have Paul bring him separately today.” Liam whispered slinging an arm around Louis’ shoulders as they walked into the hallway. Paddy was used to the band having little fights but not like this. He quickly pulled out his phone and called Paul.

“Hey Paddy, what’s up?”

“Can you grab Harry? He’s not with the rest of the band.”

“He with Lou?”

“No, no Lou’s here. Something’s going on. I’m sure it’ll be fine but lets just take two vans yea?”

“Sounds good, I’ll grab Harry.”

Paddy hung up the phone and did a scan of the room making sure all their concert bags had been grabbed. When he got into the hall he noticed all the guys had red eyes like they’d been crying.

“Boys, is everything okay?”

“Not really.” Niall whispered pressing the door to the elevator but standing back so Paddy could be in front.

Paul came out of his room as the other boys got onto the elevator and Paddy gave him a nod - Paul was confused to see Lou with them considering that he’d been practically glued to him this tour. This felt too familiar to TMH and Paul didn’t like it. He sighed and walked down the hall to Harry and Louis’ room and knocked gently.

“Harry, time to go.” He said knowing that Harry had a tendency to fall asleep at the most inappropriate times, like when they had to leave. He was surprised when the door opened and a less than rested Harry walked out.

“Hey, you alright?” Paul asked already prepared to call Louis.

“I’m fine.” Harry whispered moving to the elevator quickly. For the heat, he was wearing alot of clothes. He was hiding, Paul just didn’t know why.

“You eat yet?”

“Yea. You can check my room service bill.” He whispered standing in the corner of the elevator when it arrived. Paul wanted to believe Harry, but he wasn’t immune to lying about food. It was the entire reason they’d always checked room service - it didn’t mean he ate anything though.

“We’re traveling separately from the other boys so no stopping - they’ve already signed some stuff.”

“Ok.” Harry whispered.

“You guys fighting?”

“I don’t know.”

Paul wasn’t going to push - the last thing he needs is for Harry to start crying.

“Alright. Long day today.”

“Okay.” Harry wasn’t right. Paul could tell, but they didn’t have time to figure out what was wrong. Too much to do today. At the door, he saw Harry pause, the crowd was big. They had noticed Harry wasn’t with the other guys, they’d all waited and called friends.

“Alright kid, straight to the van okay?”

“I don’t…”

“Harry, we’ve done this a million times, you’ll be fine.” Harry blinked back his tears. He was hurting. A lot. And getting through the crowd was going to hurt more. He didn’t know if he could do this.

“Come on.”

“Paul, I don’t.” He tried to whisper but Paul wasn’t listening as he grabbed Harry around the waist not noticing or hearing the groan of pain and started pulling him through. There were hands everywhere. Pulling, yelling, Paul squeezed him tighter and Harry cried out. Paul heard that.

“You’re good kid, almost there.” It felt like years, but Paul finally got Harry in the van and slammed the door. Harry hurt. He was in pain. But he couldn’t let Paul see.

“You good?” Paul asked from the front.

“Yea.” Harry breathed hoping it was believable. He felt more alone. He hadn’t traveled by himself ever and his missed Louis. He missed his friends.

* * *

 

The show was a disaster. The next 2 week worth of shows were a disaster. The interviews were awful. The fans were tweeting about how awful they’d been and commenting on how sick Harry looked. Louis felt conflicted. He was so mad but he was worried all the same. Harry hadn’t been Harry. He didn’t sing like he usually did, he didn’t interact with anyone.

“That fucking sucked.” Niall said back at the hotel after another bad god awful show. They were in his room just thinking. Management had made it clear that tonight couldn’t happen again. They’d made it even more clear that if it happened again they wouldn’t be so nice in letting it happen.

Louis hated management.

“Lou?” Zayn said.

“What? Sorry. Sorry.” He sighed.

“Maybe we should…” Liam started.

“No.” Louis said simply.

“Lou...we need to talk to him. We can’t keep going like this.”

“Go ahead. I can’t right now.”

Liam sighed and looked over at Zayn who hadn’t wanted to be near Harry - Harry had lost his trust and Zayn didn’t forgive. Not easily. Drew had been more and more in their face about Harry’s betrayal. Showing them contracts, emails...it had gone on and on. It wasn’t the fact that Harry wanted to go solo - they weren’t dumb. This band couldn’t last forever. It was how it was happening. Behind their backs. In secret. He could have talked to them about it, but as Drew showed them, he wasn’t concerned about the rest of them, just himself. Which wasn’t Harry at all.

“I’ll come with you.” Niall whispered. He wanted this to end. It wasn’t the group he signed up to be in.

“You guys are stupid.”

“Look, we haven’t even talked to him since Drew told us - we should hear his side.” Niall said for the 100th time in the past few weeks. He had a point. They hadn’t asked Harry his side.

“Do you really think Drew made all of that up?! Honestly?!” Zayn yelled.

“I DON’T KNOW!” Niall screamed back. This was stressing all of them out.

“Guys, stop. Look, at the end of the day we need to know his side of the story.” Liam said calmly.

“I can’t talk to him.” Louis whispered.

“Lou…”

“No, no. I can’t. It’s not even that - if he wants to quit he can. If he wants to stop doing this that’s fine. It’s not that. He lied to me. He’s been lying to me this entire time. I can’t. I don’t care if we never sing together again. I don’t care about that but we were supposed to be getting married and he can’t even be honest with me. And I know he’s falling apart. I’m not stupid. He isn’t eating, he isn’t sleeping. I’m not stupid and I don’t.” Louis couldn’t even finish his sentence as sob escaped him.

“Lou...lets just go talk to him okay? Lets figure this out.”

“I need him back. I need Harry.”

“I know love. I know.”


	14. Chapter 14

Drew hadn’t let up. The fact that no one was talking to Harry, the crew included, made it easy for Drew to push Harry every single night. No one was coming near him. Everyone thought he had betrayed them - Drew couldn’t have planned this any better.

“You’re a piece of shit.” He sneered at Harry who was shaking on the floor, bruises covering his entire body. He’d given up fighting Drew. He didn’t even try anymore. He didn’t have the energy. 

“Say it.” Drew yelled kicking him again.

“I’m, I’m a pi-piece of shit.” He whispered with a sob and tried to move away from Drew’s reach. 

“It’s funny how easy it was to turn everyone against you. No one even cared to ask you. They knew you were capable of being a liar. But that’s what you are isn’t it?” Harry cringed away as Drew got closer - his pants were still undone and Harry was afraid he wasn’t done. They had 2 days off and Drew could do whatever he wanted.

“No one cares.” Drew said laughing. Harry couldn’t ignore it anymore. Drew was right. No one cared.

“Even I’m getting bored with you. Get yourself cleaned up.” Drew laughed zipping up his pants and leaving Harry alone. Harry let out a sob and curled in on himself even tighter trying to keep himself safe since no one else would. He hadn’t even had a conversation with the boys, they wouldn’t even talk to him outside of shows and interviews. Louis wouldn’t even look at him and no one would tell him why. He knew it had something to do with Drew but no one would tell him what it was. 

He slowly started to sit up and squeezed his eyes shut as the room spun. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten. He couldn’t remember the last time he cared to try. He whimpered quietly as he made his way to the bathroom, using the wall as support and having to stop a few times just to catch his breath. He turned on the lights but avoided looking at himself in the mirror - he just needed to get clean. They had tomorrow off which meant he could try and build the walls back up, try to make the aches go away because he’d be alone. No one would bother him. Paul would probably make sure he hadn’t left without guards but even that hadn’t happened in a few days so Harry wasn’t so sure. The water hurt hitting his body as he finally let himself break down. The pain in his ribs made crying almost unbearable but he couldn’t make the tears stop as he curled into a ball on the shower floor trying to keep his breathing under control and tugging at his hair. He needed Louis like he needed oxygen but Louis was mad at him. He hated him. Harry didn’t know how to fix it. So he just cried. He cried until he couldn’t anymore. His eyes burning. His body shivering as he put a razor to his thigh, adding to the cuts already there and sigh at the relief of having something inflicted on his body that he chose. He wasn’t stupid. The no eating thing was control based. He knew this. If he couldn’t control anything, he could control that. Everything was falling apart and no one was there to catch him. He gently climbed out of the bathtub and stood on shaky legs, staring at himself in the mirror.

“Everyone hates you.” He whispered. “I hate you.” A few tears escaped his eyes once more, but the room was still spinning and all Harry wanted to do was lay in his bed. That’s all he wanted. Drew hadn’t forced himself on him on his bed this time so he could sleep there. It’d be okay. He put on some pants and a longed sleeved shirt before gently crawling into bed

He wished Lou was here. The tears fell again as he hugged a pillow to himself and tried to will away his thoughts.

“Please help me.” He whispered to no one. 

It felt like only a few moments had passed before Harry heard a pounding on his hotel door. He woke up with a gasp of pain and scared that it meant Drew was back. He took a moment to catch his breath reminding himself that Drew was gone - they had a few days off and management had flown back to London to work on their promotional schedule. He was okay. The knocking didn’t stop though so Harry slowly got out of bed holding back his cry of pain and grabbing the pain meds that Drew got for him. Just so he’d stop crying, Drew told him. Harry knew it was just so he could keep performing. He wasn’t stupid. It was early - barely 9am so he wasn’t sure who could be at his door.

He pulled on a sweater to hide the bruising and shuffled to the door opening it with the chain still in place, just in case. It was the boys. All of them. Harry couldn’t prevent his look of shock because they hadn’t talked to him in weeks. And they didn’t look all that excited to talk to him now.

He quickly closed the door to unchain it and opened the door fully not sure what to expect.

“We need to talk.” Liam said simply before knocking him out of the way so they could walk in. Harry kept his back to them while he tried to not show how much it hurt - he was starting to wonder if he’d managed to break something. It was really hurting him to even breath and it had never been this bad before.

When he turned around all the boys were looking at him. All but Louis who hadn’t glanced in his direction. He wasn’t sure how to break the ice - he still didn’t know why the boys were so mad at him.

“Do, um, do you guys want anything to drink?” He whispered. Just to start some kind of communication.

“Not really a friendly visit H.” Zayn said coldly.

“Okay.” Harry whispered. He was dizzy and wanted to sit down but he was afraid to move - he didn’t know what would happen and he didn’t want to do the wrong thing.

“Since no one is going to start, I suppose I should,” Liam said after a few moments of utter uncomfortable silence, “Look Harry, when we started this thing we promised to be honest with each other and to find out you haven’t been really hurt a lot of people.”

“Hurt? Liam, don’t fucking sugar coat it, what you did was fucked up. It was fucked up and I can’t trust you anymore. You’ve been lying to us for over a fucking year!” The more Zayn talked the louder he became. 

“Zayn…”

“No, I’m not going to sit here and pretend like what he did was okay. I’m not fucking hurt. I’m pissed as fucking hell and as far as I’m concerned I don’t know if I want to keep going as a group if I can’t trust one of use.”

“Z, come on…” Niall whispered.

“No, I’m serious. Why keep him in the group if he doesn’t want to be here.”

Harry felt his breathing stop. They wanted to kick him out. 

“Okay stop there,” Louis finally said, “We’re not ending the group like this. It’s…” he paused looking at Harry for the first time and forcing himself to not care that he looked exhausted and too thin, “we have a break for the holidays after the promo for Four. We’re just going to take some time apart. Figure stuff out. If Harry decides to leave,” he whispered, “that’s his choice. I’m not going to force him to do anything and neither should the rest of you. We have 2 more shows left here, a month of promos, and then the holidays lets just get through those things okay?”

“Whatever.” Zayn mumbled standing up without so much a glance in Harry’s direction. Niall followed silently hesitating at Harry like he wanted to say something but sighing at the end and heading out of his room. 

Louis stood quietly and walked towards the door but stopping in front of Harry.

“You need to be eating Harry.” He whispered.

“Lou…”

“I know I’m mad at you and we’re having some issues, but you have to take care of yourself. Please.”

“I’m okay…” Harry whispered as his eyes welled with tears. Louis was still mad at him.  
“You’re not. Please stop lying.”

“Lou…”

“I’m not...we’re not okay right now but just. I need some time. You can’t….you have to take care of yourself.”

“Please.”

“No Harry. I need some time okay?”

“I just…”

“Harry, please.” Louis said taking a step back.

“Okay.” Harry whispered. He wouldn’t make Louis any angrier than he already was.

“Please just eat.”

“Okay.”

Louis wanted to say more but he just couldn’t. So he left. 

Harry felt his last wall crumbling. He didn’t even hear Liam enter the room because Louis just walked away. He didn’t even...he couldn’t do this if Louis was never coming back. What was the point? What’s the point? The tears started falling, he couldn’t stop them as he moved to the corner of the room and slid down hugging his knees to his chest. He can’t do this alone.

“Harry?” He heard someone whisper. It wasn’t Lou. All he wanted was Lou. “H, babe, you gotta breathe.” How could he breathe? How could he? His whole world was Louis and now he was gone.

“Harry, shhh, shhh, it’s gonna be okay…” 

All Harry could do was shake his head because it wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay.


End file.
